WASHINGTON, DC – White House staff has removed all tinsel from White House Christmas decorations after President Donald Trump was seen pulling Tinsel off a Christmas tree and eating it.
“It appears that the President has been eating tinsel so… we are removing all the tinsel from the White House,” said Chief of Staff, John Kelly. “I swear to god… this job sucks so god damn much. I was a highly respected General in the Marines. Now I babysit a fucking man child that can’t be left alone with something shiny because he will put it in his mouth. I’m getting’ too old for this shit.”
It’s unclear how much tinsel Trump has eaten but White House director of decorations, Rob Pennisi, said there is “considerably less tinsel then there was when we finished decorating.”
“When I decorate at Christmas I go all out on the tinsel because tinsel is great. It’s glittery and dangly and just great,” said Pennisi. “I was walking through the halls the other day and I realized that there was a lot less tinsel on my decorations. I specifically remember putting tinsel on everything, like that Christmas tree right there, and now there is almost no tinsel on any of my stuff. There are no cats in the White House and no one is throwing it away so the only other realistic scenario is that Trump is eating it.”
Trump denies eating tinsel but the President has been photographed with tinsel hanging from his mouth.
“I eat only the best, most quality foods. I don’t eat decorations,” said Trump. “You know that in my restaurants, we only serve the best food. Food that awesome people, great people eat. Like meat. And, other meat. I don’t eat things that aren’t food. Do you see any tinsel on any of the menus at my restaurants? I wish there was, but no. I mean, it’s food that you eat, and then, um, NO COLLUSION!”
Despite Trump’s comments, White House staffers know that he is eating tinsel.
“Yeah, no, Trump is lying. He is definitely eating tinsel,” said White House staffer, Matthew Vendt. “I saw him. I fucking saw him pick a couple pieces of tinsel off a tree and put it in his mouth. The worst part is that he ate it like spaghetti. He put one end in his mouth, and then slurped it up till it was all in his mouth. Then he chewed it and swallowed it. I sat there and watched the whole thing, and it took at least five minutes. I would have recorded it on my phone, but (Trump) has banned staffers from using cell phones. I guess he knows that we’ll record him doing stupid shit like this. ”
With the tinsel removed White House staffers are keeping a close eye on the other Christmas decorations.
“The tinsel is one thing, but really, I’m looking now I guess we need to keep an eye on everything,” Kelly said. “Garland is a big string of tinsel so I’m sure he will get distracted by that stuff and try to eat some. With all the tinsel gone, what do you think he’s going to focus on? Shiny things. Remember, our President is a dumb, dumb man. He should not be trusted around shit like this.”