WASHINGTON, D.C. – According to reports, White House staff has removed all clocks that mark the turn of the hour with a sound from White House grounds because President Donald Trump gets confused by the sound, asks “who’s there?”, and remains motionless until someone responds.
“So we had an issue and we had to remove all the clocks in the White House that made any kind of sound at the top of an hour because our President would hear that sound, think it was someone knocking on the door or ringing the doorbell, and he will ask ‘who’s there?’ and he will just freaking sit there until someone responds to ‘who’s there?’” said Director of Oval Office Operations, Jordan Karem. “If no one responded to his ‘who’s there?’ he will sit there and just keep saying it. You think you know how stupid (Trump) is but that guy can really surprise you.”
Prior to removing the clocks, some White House officials assigned interns to follow Trump and answer his ‘who’s there?’ question but that was process was abandoned after a few days.
“We sent interns to follow (Trump) to make sure he didn’t get stuck in his ‘who’s there’ loop but the interns were unable to deal with it and… well, almost all of them have since committed themselves to mental institutions for psychiatric care’” said White House Intern Coordinator, Walter Deaz. “The two that didn’t go a little crazy killed themselves because, and I quote their suicide letters here, ‘this is all going to end in the death of everyone so I’m checking out early. Fuck all ya’ll.’ Yeah, so there’s that.”
According to Karem, White House staff are not concerned with the removal of clocks as Trump is unable to tell time on analog clocks and does not concern himself with any scheduled events.
“Bro, you don’t even know,” said White House staffer, Tyler Barris. “The President doesn’t know how to tell time on a clock with the arm things, you know? I don’t either but he’s real old so he should since they probably didn’t have clocks with, like, numbers when he was a kid. But whatever, bro, he doesn’t even care about time. If he has a meeting we have to send everyone to him which is almost always in his bedroom. At this point we’re lucky if he’s even wearing pants.”
With the clocks removed White House staff can now prepare for the next Trump handling issue.
“I just… [sigh] it’s so god damned hard, you know?” said Karem. “It’s been almost two years of this stuff, and it’s getting really, really hard to figure out what’s going to be next. At first it was easy, because the things that he would freak out about were pretty obvious. Now? Freak-an-a, who knows what’s coming next. And he’s freaking fired most of the people that were here so there is almost no one around to handle this mess. You guys don’t realize just how dumb (Trump) is. He is a dumb, dumb man. He should not be in charge of his own well being, let alone an entire country. Sometimes, gosh… I just don’t know what to do. Maybe those interns that killed themselves have it right.”