WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump says that he did not steal cookies from the cookie jar and he refuses to acknowledge that he currently has crumbs all over his face and desk.
“I don’t know what you are talking about,” said Trump. “I never eat cookies but if I did I would be the best at eating cookies. I would eat cookies better than crooked Hillary. I would eat the best cookies. You wouldn’t believe the cookies I’d eat and I’d be the best at eating cookies. Really, we have the best cookies here. Did you know that I invented the cookie? I’m the best at cookies. No collusion!”
White House kitchen staff reported earlier in the day that several cookies had been stolen from a cookie jar. The cookies were intended for visiting dignitaries from Italy.
“We made a number of cookies for some visitors we are expecting later this evening and when we went to begin setting up the welcome room… the cookies were gone,” said White House staff member, Heather Smith. “The cookie jar where we usually keep the cookies was empty. It really couldn’t have been anyone else, because since the whole shutdown mess, there really hasn’t been many people around. I guess it could have been Kellyanne (Conway) but I’m pretty sure if she actually ate something, you could see it inside her like a snake.”
Trump has been sitting alone in the oval office for the last hour, with crumbs all over his face and all over his desk, while White House staff are questioned about who stole the cookies from the cookie jar.
“When we looked around we found there was a trail of cookie pieces and crumbs leading from the kitchen to the oval office,” said Smith. “And when we went in to the oval office Trump was sitting there with chocolate and crumbs all over his face and cookie crumbs all over his desk. We asked about the cookies and he sat there with his arms crossed looking off in to space and said he didn’t know what we were talking about.”
According to White House staff Trump was asked if he had stolen the cookies from the cookie jar and he responded by saying “who me? Couldn’t be. I bet it was an illegal immigrant who stole the cookies from the cookie jar.”
“I was in the room when some of the other staffers asked (Trump) about cookies and he… he denied everything,” said White House staff member, Tyson Weilter. “We all just kinda looked at each other sighed and then left the office.”
While few White House staffers actually believe Trump did not steal the cookies, they are reluctant to press the issue with anyone close to the President.
“What the hell are we supposed to do? We can’t call him a liar because we will be fired,” said White House staffer, Corey Larson. “We can’t ask him if he is sure he doesn’t know what happened because we will get fired. We can’t do anything. We have to sit there and let him lie to us and just take it. He ate the fuckin’ cookies and everyone knows it! Why can’t we just say it?”
New cookies are being made and White House kitchen staff are considering storing the cookies in a less obvious place so they are not stolen again.
“You have to remember that (Trump) is a stupid, stupid person,” said White House Executive Chef, Duane Klein. “So we will just put the cookies in a basket with a sign on it that says ‘broccoli’ and he will think the cookies are broccoli and then he won’t eat them. On an unrelated note, do you know how much my job sucks? I went to culinary school and I was the sous chef at The French Laundry. Now I have to make Big Macs, and only Big Macs, for a stupid man child that doesn’t want anything other than three Big Macs for every meal. We even have to wrap them in McDonald’s paper. I hate this job so god damned much.”