DALLAS, TX – Local father John Mansinni is slowly coming to terms with the fact that his son, John Jr, is a terrible athlete.
“I… I just think… I don’t want to admit it but… I… I… I think my son… he may suck at sports,” said Mansinni. “But he should be good at sports, right? I mean, he has to be, right? He’s a boy. He can’t be bad… at… excuse me. I am gonna step outside for a sec.”
The realization came midway through a recent pee-wee football game in which 11-year-old John Jr scored a touchdown for the opposing team, sat down and picked dandelions during a play, and wandered around the field pretending to be blind for two minutes.
“I don’t understand it. It’s like my kid doesn’t understand what’s happening out there on the field,” said Mansinni. “It’s like he doesn’t even care. How could he not care? It’s football, man! It’s the greatest game in the world. It’s a gosh-darn American tradition. My son… my son should be great at it. I… I don’t understand. If he sucks as sports I don’t know what I’ll do. Maybe I’ll just start telling everyone he’s gay, then they won’t expect him to be any good at sports.”
In the last two years, Mansinni has signed John Jr up for six different sports, all of which John Jr has failed to demonstrate any athletic skill.
“I’ve tried getting Jr in to baseball and that didn’t take. Then I tried basketball and he wasn’t very good at shooting the ball. Hell, I even tried that stupid soccer thing,” said Mansinni. “With every sport he just hasn’t… done very well. Maybe I just need to keep looking for the right sport. What’s the one with the sticks and the kids run around tossing the little ball at each other? Maybe that’s his thing. I can’t give up on him. I’ll find it. I’ll find his sport. So help me god.”
Mansinni said has spent hundreds of hours with his son, practicing various sports, in an effort to make his son a better athlete.
“We practice every day and we watch hours of game footage but nothing is working,” said Mansinni. “The other night, while I was explaining to him the difference between the guard and the tackle positions I turned around and he was trying to push his pinky up his nose and touch his brain. I slapped his hand out of his nose, strapped him down, taped his eyes open but I don’t think anything sunk in because he failed the test I gave him last night.”
His son’s lack of athletic ability has forced Mansinni to begin questioning his effectiveness as a father and his own manliness.
“I’m thinking maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m failing him somehow,” said Mansinni. “I was starting tight-end for Texas Tech so obviously I passed on the right jeans to him. Unless his mother is secretly sabotaging him. Do you think that’s it? It must be. It can’t be anything I’m doing wrong.”
According to his mother, Gwen Mansinni, John Jr has never expressed an interest in sports and has only agreed to play because he liked to “dress up.”
“My boy is a boy and so then he should definitely be good at sports but when we talk about sports he only ever really wants to talk about the uniforms and the equipment,” said Gwen Mansinni. “Maybe he’ll become an equipment manager. That’s a noble position, right? I mean, yeah, maybe. Or maybe he’s just broken. I knew I shouldn’t have gotten him vaccinated! You know vaccines are made out of nuclear waste and contain drugs that turn you into a socialist!”