WASHINGTON, D.C. – After several months of working on the same Sudoku puzzle, President Trump stated that he is close to finishing the two-by-two puzzle.
“All the smart people do puzzles and I am the best at doing the puzzles. Sadcow puzzles are very hard but I am really the best at them. I’m almost done with a very hard puzzle. It’s very hard but I am very smart so I am able to do it,” said Trump. “No one else has been able to complete this sidlicle puzzle but I am doing it. I’m the best at the sodoodoo puzzles. Crooked Hillary couldn’t do it. No collusion! I had the biggest election win in history and I am smart. Not dumb. No dumb! Me smart!”
Earlier this year Trump said he had made progress on the puzzle after scheduling a summit to discuss the puzzle with several celebrities including Kid Rock, Gene Simmons, and James Woods.
“I called together some of the best. I know all the best puzzle people and I called them here for a summit to talk about all sorts of things and puzzles,” said Trump. “Did you know that during the Civil War that puzzles were used against the French? I have very good sowrowdoo puzzle hands. My hands are able to write numbers. Numbers… I know all the numbers. There isan’t a single number I don’t know. I am the best at writing numbers. I can write numbers like no one else. Kid Rock says I write numbers very good and he should know because he knows lots of numbers too. No obstruction! Lock her up!”
Two-by-two Sudoku puzzles are generally regarded as being “easy” and intended for children. The specific puzzle given to Trump had several of the spaces pre-filled with the correct value.
“These two-by-two puzzles are very easy. Any person with an average or even slightly below average IQ would be able to complete a two-by-two in a short period of time. At most, maybe five minutes,” said Puzzle Master and author of the book “Puzzler? I Hardly Know Her,” Geoffrey Alwin. “My personal record at a two-by-two is 17 seconds, but then again, I make my living creating and talking about puzzles. But seriously, even my three-year-old son was able to complete the puzzle in about 10 minutes and he doesn’t even know numbers.”
According to White House staff, Trump has been working on the puzzle each afternoon, after his breakfast, his standard six hours of Fox News, his brunch, his daily phone call with “Uncle Vlad”, his lunch, and before getting out of bed.
“I can’t honestly believe that (Trump) has been working on this puzzle for so long. But the president is a very, very, very dumb person. Historically dumb,” said Senator Lamar Alexander, (R-TN). “Wow, I mean, there is no way that it should have taken him a day, let alone months. Holy shit, I can’t believe that I’m still doing this shit. I can’t believe that I have to defend this piece of shit every day.”
White House staffers were instructed not to help Trump with the puzzle as many senior White House officials viewed the puzzle as a way to keep Trump distracted for a brief period of time each day.
“When you think about it, this puzzle is the best thing to ever happen to this administration,” said White House Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney. “The more (Trump) is concentrating on the puzzle, the less time he’s spending destroying our country. Believe me, that’s a good thing.”
Trump was given the puzzle in November of 2018 by then Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee-Sanders, who told Trump that Sudoku puzzles were a favorite of former president Barak Obama. Despite evidence to the contrary, Trump says he will have the puzzle completed no later than December.