WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump released a statement late last evening indicating that the United States of America will return ownership of Alaska to Russia.
“Tomorrow morning I will sign a executive order to give Alaska back to Russia. Should never have been ours in the first PLACE! WITCH HUNT!” stated Trump in the statement released to reporters.
The statement came shortly after Trump and Russian President Vladimir Putin spoke on the phone.
“Spoke with good friend Putin, GREAT GUY! Told Me Russia got screwed in Alaska Deal and never agreed to sale. NOT FARE! Wants it back. We will give it back in return of original price which he said was $23.39 americanese money,” tweeted Trump.
According to Trump’s statement, Russia never intended to sell Alaksa to the United States and that it was a “bad deal” and therefore, the land should be returned to Russia.
“I know a bad deal when I see one and this was a BAD DEAL!” stated Trump. “Putin kindly asked for Alaska, which is of NO USE to us, to be returned and I agreed on the condition that they return the original payment and he agreed! What a great deal for America! We get our money back and get rid of useless land that doesn’t have a single golf course! I can’t even build a resort there because only penguins would go. And they don’t have any money! WITCH HUNT! Also Putin asked me to admit to the world that the moon landing was faked. So the moon landing was faked. The US never landed on the moon. But Russia did. Putin said he has proof.”
Trump said he is working a new deal with Russia for some “really great land in Florida.”
“Putin said he is open to more deals. Said he has a great opportunity for the US in Florida. Looking forward to discussing it,” tweeted Trump. “(Putin) said that Florida originally belonged to (Russia) so, and you know, (Putin) is a good, honest man, and me being the suprreeme smart guy I am, know that he’s right.”
Trump did not consult his cabinet, Congress, or any other United States Government employee prior to making the decision to return Alaska to Russia.
“He did what?” said Secretary of the Interior, David Bernhardt. “God damn it! Who let him talk to Putin alone? Look, we can’t let Trump talk to people without someone else there. Trump is a dumb, dumb man. Historically dumb. Literally dumber than anyone I have ever met. We have to stop him from talking to anyone by himself. God damn it. Well, I guess there goes all those oil contracts I just sold.”
Alaska was purchased from Russia for $7.2 million in 1867 under a treaty signed by then President Andrew Johnson.