Trump Wearing Home-made Toilet Paper Sash, Crown

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President Donald Trump has been wearing a home-made sash constructed out of toilet paper, a paper crown from Burger King, and carrying a scepter fashioned from a toilet brush.
President Donald Trump has been wearing a home-made sash constructed out of toilet paper, a paper crown from Burger King, and carrying a scepter fashioned from a toilet brush.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has begun wearing a hand-made sash and a paper crown around the White House as well as some official events.

“Yes, I can confirm that the president made a sash and crown for himself and he’s been wearing it… a lot,” said White House Chief of Staff, Mick Mulvaney. “(Trump) has worn it around here in the White House when he’s meeting with staff and also when he’s meeting with dignitaries from other countries. He’s also been wearing it when he’s golfing, which, let’s face it, is most of the time. At this point, he rarely takes it off. It’s very apparent that he has worn it into the shower at least once.”

According to White House staffers, the sash is made from toilet paper tapped together and the crown is a paper crown from Burger King with some additional decoration. The sash has the words “Mr. Cool Greetest Prezidant Trump” written across it.

“(Trump) came out of his bedroom one day last week wearing the sash and wearing the crown,” said Mulvaney. “Obviously none of us were able to say anything negative about it because (Trump) will fire us if we do but he came out of his room with the sash on and with the words ‘Mr. Cool Greetest Prezidant Trump’ written on it with a sharpie and we all just kinda looked at each other and sighed. But you know, whatever. At least he’s brought racism and huge tax breaks for rich people back to American politics. So that’s really great.”

In addition to the sash and crown, Trump has been carrying with him a make-shift scepter that appears to be a toilet brush with fake gems glued to the handle.

“The scepter that (Trump) made… that’s something,” said White House staffer, Steve Davis. “None of us are real sure where he got the bedazzling kit that he used to decorate his toilet brush. At least no one will admit to getting it for him. But I do think it speaks volumes that Trump used stuff he found in his bathroom to make the sash and the scepter. In fact, I’d be totally shocked if he even bothered to wash the toilet brush.”

Trump began wearing the sash, crown and scepter shortly after watching a recent beauty pageant on television.

”Remember, Trump is easily the dumbest person to ever serve as President. He’s such a dumb, dumb person,” said Director of Presidential Personnel, Sean E. Doocey. “So it doesn’t take that much of a leap to believe that Trump saw some beauty contest on some TV channel and thought that he too needed a crown and a sash and a scepter. The only thing at all surprising is that it’s taken him this long to wear one. But I guess we don’t know how long he’s been working on it. He may have been working on it for three years. In fact, yeah, that’s actually probably what happened.”

Trump has made very few mentions of his new sash, crown and scepter. In a recent joint press conference with Morocco Prime Minister SaadeddineOthmani, Trump only commented on the sash saying that it was “a great sash, made by the best sash people.”

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Lord of the Onion Rings, is he.


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