WASHINGTON, D.C. – First Lady Melania Trump is calling for expanded physical distancing, specifically within the White House, as the COVID-19 pandemic continues.
“With this virus disease in this world it should be greater distance between everyone and definitely between me and Donald (Trump) because there should be more distance. Definitely a lot more distance so that I can’t even see him or hear him. That would be best,” stated Melania Trump in a released statement.
After consulting with doctors, Melania stated the recommended six feet of space between people is not sufficient and will be expanded in the White House to 100 feet. Melania Trump also suggested that the physical distancing last through the end of the year.
“With just six feet I can still see Donald and hear him and that is not good enough. I should not have to see or hear him. Also the 100 feet between me and (Donald Trump) should not end until after Christmas, maybe even next Christmas,” stated Melania Trump’s statement. “It is in everyone’s best interest if (Donald Trump) has to stay very far away from me. Doctors said it is true. Also so did god probably.”
Melania Trump made the decision to increase physical distance between herself and others shortly before a White House event where she was to stand with her husband, President Donald Trump.
“We were asked to meet with Melania shortly before a press conference in the White House that she was scheduled for,” said First Lady staff member, Becca Gretty. “When we got to her room she asked us to write up this new physical distancing rule and to write a statement about it and told us that she wouldn’t show up to the press conference because Donald would be within 100 feet of her if she attended. Look, I get it. We all get it. Donald Trump is a piece of shit so we are all adhering to this new physical distance rule that Melania gave us and that real doctors probably definitely told her to start doing.”
Some exceptions will be made to Melania Trump’s 100 feet distancing request including her staff, her child, her friends and “some people I like.”
“Of course there are exceptions. The First Lady has a quality of life that should be maintained and… well, come to think of it, the only person that isn’t given an explicit exemption is Donald Trump,” said First Lady staffer Hannah Verstote. “Hmmm. I wonder if that was on purpose. Just kidding.Lol. Of course it was. Donald is a creep for real. Luckily the new distance rule can apply to anyone so none of us have to see that creep anymore. It’s kinda nice now. I haven’t had my pussy grabbed in days!”
Several other prominent Republicans have said they will also begin increasing the social distance between themselves and Donald Trump.
“I’ll do whatever he says but that doesn’t mean I have to be within 100 feet of him,” said Senator Roy Blunt of Missouri. “Fuck that guy but also I agree with everything he says and does and he is the greatest president and um… what else do I have to say? Oh yeah, Biden is corrupt.”