HILO, HI – Astronomers at the W. M. Keck Observatory have discovered a planet capable of supporting life orbiting a nearby star that humans could “definitely ruin.”
“We are excited to announce the discovery of a new planet, orbiting a nearby star, that humans could definitely ruin, given the opportunity, in a very short amount of time,” said astronomer, Ken Hiroji. “Now when I say definitely, I mean totally. And super quickly, way faster than we fucked the hell out of this planet.”
The planet, nicknamed Bonertown, lies within the habitable zone of Barnard’s Star, just under six light-years from Earth. Bonertown appears to have water and large land masses similar to Earth.
“What we’ve observed has led us to conclude that there is liquid water on the surface of Bonertown. Water that humans could very easily throw trash in to,” said astronomer, David Poliwarg. “With water comes a hydrogen and oxygen atmosphere so, that’s another thing humans could very easily pollute. The land masses, well, those could be made unlivable in a relatively short amount of time. It’s exciting. It’s always exciting to find a new potentially habitable planet to add to our list of planets to totally fuck up and ruin some day. We call it our ‘tofuru’ list. Get it? It’s an abbreviation of ‘totally fuck up and ruin.’ Do you know what an abbreviation is? Just checking because people are stupid now so I just wanted to make sure.”
Astronomers are excited by the discovery of Bonertown as human’s destruction of Earth is nearly complete and humankind will need to find additional planets to ruin in the very near future.
“These last few years we, as humans, were really aggressive on the whole ‘fucking this shit up’ trip,” said Hiroji. “Seriously, Donald Trump and his people have really amped up the game. What should still be centuries away is nearly almost here. So the fact that we have found a totally new planet to fuck up is super exciting.”
Although humanity is currently incapable of interstellar travel, Astronomers continue to look for planets “just in case.”
“It may seem like a lost cause because, let’s be real, we’ve got 10 to 12 years left on this planet, tops, but you never know,” said Hiroji. “Maybe an alien will visit us and we can kill them and steal their spacecraft and move to a new planet. Or maybe we will discover a deep space signal with instructions for building interstellar crafts like in that movie everyone hated but us astronomers… what was it called? Contact? Yeah, I think it was called Contact. That was a good movie. You probably hated it because you aren’t an astronomer.”