WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has been stuck outside the White House for several hours as he tries to enter the building carrying a long stick.
“(Trump) has been trying to come in here with that stick for hours. Hours,” said White House Intern, Kelly McMichaels. “It’s really sad. He just looks so confused at the fact that he can’t just walk through the doorway holding a stick sideways that is like, longer than the door. He’s holding it sideways and won’t fit through the door that way. It’s just too big. It’s hard to put an eye-roll into words but basically… ughhsesshhhh.”
The stick is longer than the doorway is wide, preventing Trump from carrying the stick into the White House horizontally.
“Watching (Trump) try to come in holding that stupid stick… it’s like watching those videos of those stupid dogs on the internets,” said White House Chief of Staff, Mark Meadows. “(Trump) just keeps trying to come in holding the stick sideways and then when it won’t fit through the door he just stares at the stick, then stares at the door and then just tries again. The thing is in those videos, some of the dogs figure it out after only a couple of tries. He’s like one of the stupid dogs that tries all day until it’s owner just gives up helps the dog. Not (Trump). Hell, I’m sure he’ll be out there till next month if we let it go on.”
Since finding the stick, Trump has tried to come into the White House several different times each time holding the long stick horizontally. After each failed attempt Trump has backed up a few steps, turned around and tried again to carry the stick through the door horizontally. Three times Trump dropped the stick to the ground, come through the door, picked up the stick from inside and tried to pull the stick, again horizontally, through the doorway.
“You have to remember that (Trump) is a really dumb, dumb person. Maybe the dumbest I’ve ever met and I’ve met some dumb ass people,” said Secret Service member, Link Retton. “The fact that he could just turn the stick up and come right through the door is so far beyond anything that he is capable of intellectually. In fact, I’m surprised he was able to get this far with the stick. I’d have figured he’d trip himself with it or accidentally given himself a concussion with it. Although… I suppose that if he did give himself a concussion no one would know. He’s a fucking idiot.”
Several security team members and Presidential aides have told the President to drop the stick before coming into the White House, or at least turn the stick vertically so it will fit through the door but the President has ignored them.
“We’ve even tried to get the stick from him to bring it in, but he just looks at us and growls,” said Retton. “So we’re just being hands off for now. He’ll figure it out at some point, maybe, or more probable, he’ll get distracted by something shiny and he’ll forget all about it. Either way, it doesn’t matter to me, my shift ends in an hour.”
White House staff members are unsure where Trump got the stick or why he is trying to bring it in to the White House.
“Trump is stupid. Trump is dumb. Trump is an idiot,” said Meadows. “Who knows where he found that damn stick. As for why he is carrying it? He is stupid. That’s why.”