WASHINGTON, D.C. – According to multiple sources within the White House, President Trump has been hiding in a bunker since Halloween after he reported seeing “a ghost.”
“To be honest we aren’t sure what spooked (Trump) but he has been holed up in that there bunker for a while now,” said White House Staffer, Jake Block. “We’ve tried to coax him outta there with Big Macs and some Girl Scout cookies but we ain’t had no luck. He just keeps yelling back that he ain’t gonna come out ‘til we get the Ghostbusters in here. I wonder if we could get him out of there if we told him (Jeffrey) Epstein was throwing him a party. That would almost certainly work. Ya’ll know they were friends, right?”
Just after dinner on Halloween Trump was walking back to his personal quarters when he allegedly saw a ghost. Trump ran screaming to a safety bunker, locking the door behind him.
“I was standing in the hallway by the kitchen and (Trump) came screaming past me, waving his arms above his head,” said White House Chef, Arton Noire. “At first I thought he was running at me because he heard that I made Snickerdoodles, but he just flew right by me. Seriously, I’ve never seen that fat fuck move so fast. Well, I don’t actually mean ‘fast.’ I mean I could have walked faster than he was running, but you know, fast for him. And he had to stop ever couple of steps to catch his breath.”
No one other than Trump has reported seeing the ghost.
“No one else saw a ghost,” said Block. “Of course no one is telling (Trump) that because we’d get fired but no one else saw anything. And I don’t want to be fired. This job is really great. I get to sign documents and, um, openly hate black people. Really, it’s my dream job.”
Some White House staff members have ideas of their own as to what Trump really saw.
“You have to remember that Trump is a dumb sonovabitch. Really dumb. Think of the dumbest person you’ve ever met and then know that Trump is twice as dumb as that person,” said Director of National Intelligence, John Ratcliffe. “So if you ask me, which you are, Trump probably just saw tissue box or a shadow or maybe he just saw Stephen Miller.”
To appease Trump and convince him it was safe to come out of the bunker White House staff have been in contact with actors from the Ghostbusters film in hopes to convince the actors to visit the White House in costume.
“I can confirm that we’ve reached out to the actors that played The Ghostbusters but we have been unable to convince them to help,” said White House Chief of Staff Mark Meadows. “And of course we only talked to the male Ghostbusters. Not the women. The last thing we need in here are women. And the answer to your next question is no, we also did not reach out to the non-white, male Ghostbuster. But I’m sure I didn’t even need to say that.”