WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a shocking Post-Election revelation, the source of the mysterious Qanon conspiracy theory has been revealed to be the marketing team for the soft drink Mountain Dew.
“I guess we should apologize, since this whole Qanon thing kinda got away from us,” said Mountain Dew Brand Manager, Cecil Hramie. “We just wanted to get people excited about the amazing taste and refreshness of Mountain Dew but then weird, old white people from the suburbs thought we were talking about kids being trafficked and just… holy shit some people are crazy.”
According to Hramie, Qanon was started as a marketing campaign for the popular soda. PepsiCo (Mountain Dew’s parent company) marketing employees were tasked with posting cryptic messages on websites like 4Chan and 8Chan which were intended to direct people to a website that offered a chance to win a free bottle of Mountain Dew Code Red but instead the messages were misinterpreted.
“I posted something on 4chan about ‘the coming storm’ as kind of a cool way to think about Mountain Dew Code Red as a storm of flavor coming all over your mouth and taste buds, but people didn’t get it and thought I was talking about, like, Trump and pedophiles or something?” said Mountain Dew Marketing Analyst, Chloe Strandt. “Seriously, when I drink an ice-cold, refreshing Mountain Dew, I think to myself ‘God Damn! This shit is bonkers!’ but I’ve never thought to myself ‘this tastes like a human baby.’ Maybe I’ve thought that with some of the off-brand Dew wannabes, but never the original, classic Mountain Dew.”
A large number of supporters of President Donald Trump have adopted Qanon as a belief that Trump will dismantle a child sex trafficking ring secretly run by “democrats and Hollywood elites.”
“We know that Trump supporters are mix of crazy, greedy, and racist, but this whole Qanon thing they have going is a level of stupid I honestly didn’t think was possible,” said former FBI agent investigating online cults, Adrian Renspore. “Nothing these people think was happening or even going to happen has happened. Nothing. Yet they still believe. It takes a special kind of dumb to believe the Qanon stuff so it makes sense that Trump himself pretty much promotes it. God, the internet is just the worst thing to happen to old white people. The idea that Trump would break up any sex-trafficking ring… you all know that he was friends with Jeffrey Epstien, right? That’s fucking fact. So the last person on earth that is concerned about a child sex-trafficking ring is Trump.”
Mountain Dew and PepsiCo marketing have tried to reset Qanon back to the intended Mountain Dew Code Red intentions but have been completely unsuccessful.
“We’ve tried to steer the online Qanon thing back to how Mountain Dew Code Red is a party in your mouth and full of refreshness but these people on the internet keep thinking we are talking about weird things like John F. Kennedy Jr. is coming back to life and drinking bleach would cure COVID – this is real shit these idiots believe,” said Hramie. “It’s like, WTF? How can you interpret ‘drink Mountain Dew Code Red because it tastes like an angel is shooting a fruity orgasm in your mouth’ as a call to arrest everyone in Hollywood for sex-trafficking kids? Fuck those people.”