Hello, hello, HELLOOOOOOOO! Oh. My. GOD. It has been forever! It is I, your bestest friend in all of the deep, dark web – Beth Sinclair! I can’t believe how long it’s been since I’ve had the privilege of yeeting all over your collective faces and chests! JK! LOL! #BLESSED
Seeing how it’s been, like, a million years since I was able to get my sweet cheeks in to write another expose I should probably tell all you Bethers out there exactly what I’ve been doing for the last billion years! Well, it has been a rollercoaster ride like the last season of ‘Game of Thrones’ but with slightly less incest! I got married, divorced, converted to Islam, converted to Judaism, converted to Mormonisn (that was fun!), converted back to Islam, grew my hymen back, got married again, got married again, had my 44th orgy, got married again, and that was all just in February of this year!
Things were so fantastimorgasmic and then that surely bitch named Co’Rona Vyrus came along and sent everything circling down that toilet like a newborn on Prom night! You ladies know what I’m talking about! I’ve got to be honest with you my little chiklins, I’ve been in a really dark place! And I call that place my bedroom because of the blackout curtains and all the BBC toys that I have! You know me, I love life like a hooker loves hooking! Ain’t nothing going to keep me down for long! Unless he’s large and in charge, if you know what I mean! LOL! #BBCBLESSED
Anyways, I suppose that’s enough about me and my COVID tales for now, we have some serious business to discuss. We are literally right around the corner for my all time favorite holiday! No, I’m not talking about National Glory Hole Day! I’m talking about turkey day itself, THANKSGIVING! Now you’re probably thinking to yourself “Beth, I see you as more of a fan of Halloween when you can let your true, inner slut out of its gimp mask!” Well you’re kind of right. I do love me some Halloweenie (LOL!) but as I see it, nothing is better than Thanksgiving. What other day is it socially acceptable to first stuff a turkey, then stuff your face and finally stuff your kitty? (Psst, by ‘kitty’ I mean vagina!) None!
Since we are all still in the throes of quarantines, I, your humble guide to awesomeness, have decided to share with all my lovelies out there some tips for hosting your quarantine Thanksgiving!
Practice Social Distancing!
I cannot stress this enough! Stay the frick away from people (unless they’ve been in one or more of your orifices!). I know for some of you this may be hard so I have devised a surefire way to keep people at least six feet away. Go to the store, or online, or if you’re me… the closet, and pick out the finest, longest, strap-on dildo. On the 26th, make sure you wear it over your clothes so everyone can see it! To get a little extra space, try not washing it!
Wear a mask!
This is another one of those “no duh!” things! You have to wear a mask. This year, for me, I’m going to be sporting a brand new leather dominatrix mask. Yes, I know, it doesn’t really cover my nose and mouth, bull the ball gag will cover that bit. I can also say that I look so cute in it! If you’re not feeling dominating, try an old-fashioned Diving Bell or a World War 2 era gas mask.
Only invite those who you know are being safe!
Unlike years past, this Thanksgiving is not the time to introduce your family to the guy you just met on Grinder and who doesn’t know that you aren’t really a dude (Sorry Kevin!). No, this year only invite people who you know are practicing safety first. Ninjas are at the top of that list, because they are the pioneers of wearing masks. Or hockey goalies. Vigilantes are up there too! I can tell you, if you’re a vigilante, I’ve been a very naughty girl and need to be punished! JK! (or am I?) Anyways, hermits are good to invite too!
Well there you go my beautiful little readers. In these uncertain times, just sit back and listen to your old pal Beth and you’ll be fine. Till next time kids, I’m off to get my throat swabbed and then I’ll probably go get a COVID test!