WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Elect Joe Biden has announced the nomination of Post Malone to a new cabinet position of Secretary of Yeet.
“We are going to, as a nation, change course and to help with that I’ve created a new cabinet position, Secretary of Yeet, which my granddaughter tells me means ‘excitement’ or something like that. I didn’t really understand what in the world she was talking about,” said Biden. “But this new cabinet position will be primarily responsible for… Sorry, I need to read this, hold on… will be primarily responsible for ‘making things fire because we about to go off, no cap.’ It is my understanding that there is no person better suited to fill this role than Mr. Malone.”
The new Secretary of Yeet will be responsible for overseeing the overall happiness and excitement level of the country.
“It will be my job to… um…” said Malone. “Shi… What were we talking about? No, I don’t need new cabinets. Fool up here talking ‘bout cabinets and shit. Man, get outta here.”
Post Malone was selected for the cabinet position after a recommendation from one of Biden’s staff’s nephew.
“Man, Post is the shiz!” said Graydon Rilly, 18. “That’s why I told my Uncle Lloyd (Austin, Secretary of Defense) that (Biden) need to jump on that shit straight. Think about it. Post. In charge of everyone being happy? That shit right there makes me happy. See! It works, yo!”
According to Biden’s staff, in order to create the new cabinet position, Biden’s staff did a ‘slang’ search on UrbandDictionary.com.
“To be honest none of us know what ‘yeet’ means because the youngest one in Biden’s staff is 58,” said Ron Klain, Biden’s Chief of Staff. “We just knew we needed to reach out to today’s youth and include them and we thought this was the best way to do that. It’s kinda like when (Bill Clinton) did that whole MTV thing and played his sax on Arsenio. Those were some crazy ass times. We’re trying to recapture that, but you know, with a lot fewer blowjobs.”
In addition to the new Secretary of Yeet, Biden is said to be considering additional new cabinet positions including Secretary of SWOL, Minister of the Posterior, Secretary of Skrt, and Secretary of LEWK. As of press time, no candidates have been mentioned for these positions.