CHICAGO, IL – Even though this holiday season is supposed to be a retailer’s worst nightmare, Consumer Reports has unveiled its list of the 10 hottest toys that are flying off shelves all over the country. Since the terrorist attacks in September combined with the already sluggish economy, analysts have been predicting the usual fevered spending in the months prior to Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa would be at an all time low. The toy report is expected to help kick start the economy, making this a fruitful season for everyone in the retail industry.
Topping the list this year is the “Big Johnsons’s Big Black Wacky Fun Magic Wand,” toy. While not part of the enormous “Harry Potter” media blitz, the toy is obviously trying to cash in on the American publics fascination with the world of magic and wizardry. The toy is a 12-inch long rubber wand with a secret magic tip where, according the manufacturer, “the magic comes from.” The company, Big Johnson’s Toys for Boys, was the mastermind behind previous year’s top sellers “Tickle Me Homo” and the “PokeMeBum” action figures and trading card game.
“We feel that this toy, the “Big Black Wacky Fun Magic Wand” is just what kids across the country are looking for. Something fun, and magical at the same time. Also, it’s not just for kids, I know several adults who enjoy playing with the dil… wand. I myself have even been known to pull it out and play alone in my office,” said president Garth Williams. “The thing that sets this dildo, I mean magic wand, apart from the other, magic wands, is that it is so lifelike. Hell this thing is like an extension of a person’s… um, arm. That does magic. Of course the magic resides only in the users imagination but this wand will help everyone get to a magical place. Especially lesbians.”
While the toy is becoming increasingly hard to find, some parents don’t see a high level of play value.
“Seriously, how many times can you really play with that?” said Carol Madrox, mother of two. “Knowing my kids they’ll play with it for a few minutes, you know, waggle it in each others faces and what not, then they’ll go play with the box it came in. But I’ll probably get them one anyway. I don’t want to be known as the parent who didn’t get their kids the latest toy. I need to make sure my kids don’t suffer like I did when I was a kid. I will not let them miss out on any fad and God damn it, these kids will be popular if it kills me. I’d seriously have to kill myself if I didn’t go out and get this toy. After I killed the neighbors.”
While the “Big Black Wacky Fun Magic Wand” is the leading toy at the time the report was issued, things could always change by the time the holidays actually roll around. The list is full of toys ready to fill that number one spot.
“You know, predicting retail is a fickle mistress,” said Consumer Reports analyst Bruce Joseph. “Right now a huge black cock is the leading seller but tomorrow it could be the ‘Little Suzy Homemaker Black Eye Cover Up Kit.’ It’s just too hard to tell these days. But regardless, all the toys on the list will do very, very well. And all the cool kids will have at least 6 of the 10. Only poor people will suffer and go without.”
Other top selling toys on the consumer report include “Gunther’s Homemade Tattoo Kit,” “Monkey-In-A-Box,” “Leper Ted Action Figures,” “Build Your Own Britney Spears” by Lego, “Daddy’s Little Day Trader” and “Attorney General Ashcroft Plush Doll.”
Toys R Us and other leading toy retailers are reporting shortages of some toys on the list and suggest buyers act quickly.
“I know that the “Big Black Wacky Fun Magic Wand” is flying off the shelves faster than we can put them on. The other toys on the list are going quickly so if you are looking to make your kid happy this year with one of these toys you’d better get off your ass and into the store. Everyone wants a Big Black Wacky Fun Magic Wand, not just kids,” said Toys R Us manager Steve Fields.