BOCA RATON, FL – Scientist have traced climate change, specifically global warming, to a grandmother’s thermostat in Florida.
“We started noticing patterns and when we looked at the data and mapped the data, we were able to trace a source of higher-than-normal temperatures to a home in Florida,” said researcher for the National Weather Council, Ryan Dietrich. “Turns out some old lady had her thermostat set really, really high. Like, really high. Beyond sauna levels. We weren’t really expecting that to be the cause of global warming but… yeah. Weird.”
The discovery was made after scientists observed a constant current of warm weather emanating from a neighborhood in Boca Raton over the course of 37 months.
“The main thing that we noticed was that there was an anomaly where the heat and humidity emanating from the neighborhood was above and beyond anywhere else in the country,” said atmospheric researcher at Emory University, James Wanak. “At first, we thought that maybe it was localized around Jennifer Lopez’s residence, but unfortunately it wasn’t. I really wanted it to be Jennifer Lopez’s house. Can you imagine that? Getting to bust in there all official like and she’s there naked, just being hot and moist. Damn! But no, it was some old white lady’s house. Gross.”
When scientists used heat mapping and thermographic imaging, they traced the current of warm weather to a single thermostat that had been set to 922 degrees Fahrenheit.
“There was a very distinct flow of warm atmospheric energy emanating from Florida that was constant and observable on a daily basis for years,” said Dietrich. “Over the course of years, we were able to pinpoint the exact source of the energy. Of course, if we would have had a budget larger than $50, fucking Republicans, we could have taken care of this years ago. But you know how it goes. Anyway we’re on top of this now, and hopefully, given the budget and all, we can wrap this problem up in the next few decades.”
The thermostat is located in the home of Glenda Willborne, a grandmother and retiree who has lived alone in the home for 10 years. Willborne says she last changed the thermostat temperature control a couple years ago and hasn’t touched it since.
“I like my house warm,” said Willborne. “I don’t like being cold. So I turned the heat up until I wasn’t cold and I just leave it alone. In summer it gets pretty warm in here but it’s better than being cold. I don’t like being cold. I like it warm. I don’t touch the thermo-majigger because it stays pretty warm in here. Even when it’s cold outside. I don’t like being cold. My granddaughter got cold once and she died. So no, I’m not going to be cold.”
Scientists are currently negotiating with Willborne in hopes that she will reduce the thermostat temperature setting. Scientists are hopeful that in doing so the planet will begin to cool.
“We are trying to convince her to turn the thermostat down but so far she refuses to do so,” said National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration Director, Gavin Brusley. “Every time we talk to her, she just says she doesn’t like being cold or that she don’t remember how to work the thermostat and the conversation just ends. Hopefully we can talk her in turning it down before we have to order a drone strike. Because we will. The NOAA don’t fuck around.”