CHICAGO, IL – Local software developer Andre Flutroe, 29, says he has become concerned about his increasing desire to purchase a pair of flip-flops sandals.
“I’ve always prided myself on my sense of style and… I’m really struggling here,” said Flutroe. “Flip-flops? What the fuck? I’m not 12. And I’m not 60. Why the hell do I suddenly feel like I should get a pair of flip-flops. I haven’t told my girlfriend about this either. She will leave me for sure if she knew how close I am to considering buying a pair of flip-flops. I’m scared. I’m really, really scared.”
Flutroe said he began to have mixed feelings about flip-flops last month after a visit to 12th Street Beach in Chicago. Prior to the visit Flutroe, like most adults, had been against the idea of ever wearing flip-flops.
“My girlfriend and I were just having a nice weekend and we went for a walk along the beach there and we saw some goofy lookin’ old guy wearing shorts and flip-flops,” said Flutroe. “We were laughing at him and telling each other how horrible of a look that was and how we’d never be caught dead wearing flip-flops, let alone shorts but… a little voice in the back of my head said, ‘well actually… they might be kinda comfy.’ It freaked me out and I shut that thought down immediately, but it’s been creeping back. I even found myself looking at flip-flops on Gilt. God help me, what am I becoming?”
Fashion psychologist Craig Mastroom says the desire to purchase and wear flip-flops is common among males as they approach 30-years-old.
“The desire to wear flip-flops increases as an adult male gets older and as they cross certain social thresholds – such as turning 30,” said Mastroom. “Turning 30 for a male is pretty much the end. Name one male that you think is attractive or cool that is over the age of 30. You can’t. So it’s only natural that as a male reaches 30 they will begin to accept things and ideas that are not cool – like flip-flops. Of course, I am the rare exception as I am 49 and I’m, like, definitely still cool and as you can see really attractive still. I’d never consider wearing flip-flops. Gross.”
Despite the fact that Flutroe has not actually made a flip-flop purchase, the decision has begun to affect his everyday life.
“It’s getting to the point where I can’t sleep, can’t eat,” said Flutroe. “Thoughts of flip-flops just keep coming no matter how hard I concentrate on anything else. I saw this one pair that the part that goes between your toes is made out of memory foam. That’s fucking wild! Part of me wants to know how that will feel. Would it would be like sticking your wiener in a vagina made of memory foam? That’s the nearest thing I can think of. But, wait. What the hell? See? This is the hell that my life is now. I’m starting to think about flip-flops even when I’m thinking about sex. Shoot me. Shoot me now.”
Despite his thoughts about her feelings towards flip-flops, Flutroe’s girlfriend, Annie Dertmer, is unsure how she would handle a situation where her boyfriend would consider buying and wearing flip-flops.
“Will I leave him the second he buys some? Yes. But would I leave him if he said he was thinking about it? I really don’t know,” said Dertmer. “But if he did buy some maybe I would stay with him for a bit, you know, to take pictures of him to laugh at later. But probably not. I do really like (Andre). I mean he’s really cute and has a cock like a small pony. But you know, I just could never been seen in public with a man in flip-flops. Now if he were to buy some Crocs, I’d seriously blow him in the middle of the store. Those are the sexiest things ever invented. Ever.”