SALT LAKE CITY, UT – Adult stores across the country are dealing with inventory issues as Americans become vaccinated against COVID-19 and the need for social distancing is rapidly decreasing.
“We have a fuck ton, no pun intended, of 6-foot-long dildos that people don’t want anymore since they can get close to each other again,” said Pete Banner, owner of Dildo Baggins Sex Emporium. “Do you know how much shelf space a 6-foot-long dong takes up? Well, yeah, you’re right – 6 feet of shelf space. I guess that was a dumb question, but you also have to account for the box. But seriously, what the fuck are we going to do with all these super long sex toys?”
Many of the nation’s largest adult stores are still stocked with quarantine safe items such as six-foot-long dildos, eight-foot-long string of anal beads, remote controlled vibrators that work up to a mile away, 10-foot-long mechanical tentacles, oil and lubrication hoses and sprayers, HD web cams with 12x zoom, extra-long paddles, gimp mask megaphones, glow in the dark nipple clamp extenders.
As restrictions for social distancing ease, several adult store chains are struggling to meet the renewed demand for intimate products as customers return to the stores in large numbers.
“People are coming out of quarantine with some serious blue balls and… what’s the female equivalent for blue balls? Blue Labia’s? Purple Fallopian Tubes?” said Dirk Wently, owner and operator of Dirk’s Dirty Closet. “Well, whatever it is, chicks be havin’ it because our stores are packed full of horny-ass people. They all been watching porn for a year straight and now they want all the toys and dildos and pocket pussies and sex swings and slippy-joes and coloring books and everything else they saw on their porn. And they want to be up close and personal with their partners when they use the stuff. They don’t want to be in the next room. They want to be nose deep, knowwhatI’msayin’?”
Adult stores sales suffered at the beginning of the pandemic last year forcing stores to offer new products that were both safe and satisfying.
“People still wanted to do the sex, but they wanted to do the sex in the safest way so we, like all the other stores, had to adapt and offer toys and sex enhancing items that could be used for the sex safely and still get someone off,” said Amanda Steiman. “We had to return items that were intended for up-close sex and instead bought things that were super long or that would spray at least six feet. It’ll be weird to do the sex on someone who’s in your face again. And on your face too. That will also be weird.”
While adult stores struggle with inventory issues, one thing that stores will not consider is a return of the used items.
“People gonna try to return their six-foot dildos but we ain’t gonna let ‘em,” said Wently. “Unless of course they is hot. And if I can tell that they didn’t wash the stuff. I mean, I’m not an animal. I’ll just lick it clean for them and restock it, no harm, no foul. Don’t look at me like that. You know you’d do the same damn thing.”