NASHVILLE, TN – A new online support group has been launched to help Republicans find music made by artists that align with current Republican values.
“I just want to listen to some kick ass rock and not some singer telling me that black lives matter or some other bullshit,” said Republican Brandon Christianson. “These rock guys need keep politics out of music! Unless those politics are exactly like mine… or like I’m told are mine. But it’s hard to find rock like that now because everyone is shooting their mouths off all the time about stuff that makes me think and then that makes me mad because I’m not listening to music to think. I’m listening to music because I wanna rock!”
The support group, Republic of Rock!, was started by Republican Chris Markson after he and a group of his middle-aged, Republican friends complained that a large amount of rock music is made by “lefties and socialists and ANTIFA and BLMers and… uh… Trans…ers. Oh, and Canadians.”
“Look, I love country music and their whole thing with America and beer and how women are subservient to men, but sometimes I just want to rock out,” said Republic of Rock! member Connor Zardon. “But it’s so hard to find a rock band, a good rock band, that doesn’t challenge my political ideas or that my friends wouldn’t get mad at me for listening to. And they have to be American! I don’t want to listen to anyone from some other country telling me that my country is shit!”
Republic of Rock! will work individually with each Republican that signs up to create a list of rock musicians that will in no way challenge the current Republican values.
“We keep a database of every band and their views on everything,” said Markson. “We also keep a database on the current Republican views… which is a little more work. Like just the other day (Sean) Hannity said that you don’t actually need water to live so we added that to the list of things we need to search for. Now we have to go through and find if any of the bands or musicians in those bands have ever said anything good about water. It’s a lot of work but… it’s worth it to make sure that we can rock out while not having to worry about weird Lefty ideas – like how water is good for you. And yes, all the bands in our database are 100% white.”
Republicans have been struggling to find music to listen to as more bands make statements that are contrary to increasingly narrow Republican values.
“I used to like Foo Fighters a lot, but then they held a vax only concert and Tucker (Carlson) said that was un-American so now I can’t listen to them,” said Zardon. “And I use to really like Rush and Barenaked Ladies, they were two of my all time favorite bands, but then Hannity said that Canada is socialist and now I can’t listen to them. It’s so hard to keep up to date on all this stuff so thank god there is Kid Rock. And at least I can still listen to Megadeath… right? I mean, they are still ok?”