LAKEWOOD, CO – Local ventriloquist, Joshua Castellino, is no longer invited to parties due to refusal to leave his dummy, Winston, at home.
“We like (Castellino) but we fucking hate his dummy,” said Castellino’s friend, Gabe Dumka. “As long as he insists on bringing the creepy fucking thing, he isn’t coming to any of my parties. I don’t think you realize how unsettling it is to be sitting there, trying to chill, and have (Castellino) insert Winston into the conversation. It’s fucking weird.”
Castellino discovered he is not being invited to his friend’s and family’s parties after seeing Facebook and Instagram posts.
“We – and by ‘we’ I of course mean Winston and I – we were scrolling through Instagram and we started seeing all these pictures from all our friends of the same party and we never got an invite so I was thinkin’ what the F!” said Castellino. “So then we started looking more and found all sorts of parties all my friends were at and family get-togethers and I wasn’t at any of them and no one ever told me about them. Like my niece’s birthday. I thought they didn’t have a party because of COVID and all, but nope, there were pictures. They even had a piñata full of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. Winston and I love Reese’s Peanut Butter cups. Ain’t gonna lie, it stung.”
“Yeah! We saw all these god-damn pictures of people gettin’ wasted at these awesome lookin’ parties, without us, and it made me mad. Really mad,” said Winston. “So I says to this dummy here that we should murder ‘em all. Murder every single one of them mother fuckers. But this dummy over here, he didn’t want to. So I says to him we should at least burn the mother fucker’s houses down and he pussed out of doing that too. I’ll tell ya, if I didn’t need this asshole’s hand up my ass to function, I’d slit his mother fucking throat. Hee hee hee.”
When Castellino confronted his friends and asked why he was not invited to a recent party he was told it was because “you always bringing that creepy fucking dummy, even when we asked you not to.”
“Why be a ventriloquist if you can’t take your dummy with you wherever you go?” said Castellino. “Everyone loves ventriloquists. Jeff Dunham? Billy and Timmy? How could you not love those guys? They’re hilarious. I feel that Winston and I are just as funny, and we make parties way more fun. We make the party.”
“These mother fuckers ain’t our friends! They’re jealous ‘cus they ain’t got a hand up their ass!” said Winston. “At least not right now! You know what I am talking about Kristi! I know firsthand that you like a fist or two up the pooper. But we’ll get ‘em. We’ll get ‘em good. By murdering them. One-by-one. While they sleep and burning those fucker’s houses to the ground. Hee hee hee.”
To show his friends what they are missing by not inviting him, Castellino has recently started hosting his own parties where all the guests are ventriloquist dummies.
Castellino’s friends have not reacted positively to the pictures of Castellino’s dummy only parties.
“Jesus fucking Christ, those pictures gave me nightmares for a week,” said Dumka. “(Castellino) can have those parties all to himself. You wouldn’t catch me dead at one of those. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if there are in fact dead people at those parties. Fuck that, man.”