CHICAGO, IL – In a new survey of children ages five to 15, a majority of children said they wanted to be an NFT when they grow up.
The survey, conducted by the Illinois Institute of Technology, asked children “what do you want to be when you grow up?”
“We surveyed more than 10,000 children and… well, a shit ton of them said they wanted to be an NFT when they grew up,” said Head of Research at Illinois Institute of Technology, Whitney Meekers. “The weird thing is we didn’t even factor this answer into our design. Who the hell could have imagined that kids would even know what an NFT is, let alone aspire to be one. I guess what they say is true… kids are fucking morons.”
According to survey directors, NFT, or Non-fungible token, was the top response despite very few children even knowing what an NFT is.
“Hell, I don’t know what an NFT is and neither did these kids,” said Data Analyst, Jen Ricks. “What they did know is that people are paying a shit ton of money for them right now. Did you see what that stupid PopTart cat thing went for? Over a half million dollars. That is insane. But when people shell out money for idiotic shit like this, it gets attention. I guess that’s why kids want to be NFTs now even though they literally cannot be. But seriously, kids are fucking stupid.”
Other popular responses included “owner of those cool crocs,” “someone my parents love,” “an instagramer/Tik Tok rapper,” “a dogecoin,” “Evelyn,” “gofundme,” and “me be uh… french fries?”
“When I grow up I want to be a dogecoin,” said nine-year-old, Ethan Jerome. “Or maybe a bitcoin. I don’t really know what they are but my parents talk about them all the time so maybe if I was a dogecoin they would talk about me. Or maybe a professional Minecraft builder. I’m good at Minecraft. I built a huge butt once, it was awesome. Or someone that has a lot of basketball shorts. But totally dogecoin. Can I be Superman?”
Something that was not a surprise to anyone on the survey team was that none of the top 100 responses were careers in science.
“The closest thing to a career in science or technology that we recorded was a couple kids listed ‘minecraft,” said Meekers. “I mean that’s kinda science based, you know, computers and elements and all. But let’s be honest, the dumbasses that put ‘minecraft’ down as a response weren’t thinking about the science aspect of it. They were thinking about building buildings that looked like various body parts and destroying all of their friend’s buildings that also look like various body parts.”