NEW YORK, NY – Former superhero and the smartest man in the world, Adrian Veidt, also known as Ozymandias, admitted to engineering and releasing the COVID-19 virus in an effort to bring the people of earth together.
Additionally, Veidt has admitted that this plan to unite the world by “giving us a common enemy” has failed.
“It was a simple plan, really. But perhaps too simple,” said Veidt. “I created the COVID-19 virus and released it into the world to give the people of earth a common enemy. We should have coalesced – to fight the virus as one. But… things did not quite go as planned. It now appears that a large number of people are just ignoring reality and taking a horse dewormer? I must admit, I did not see that coming. Perhaps I forgot to carry a one or missed a decimal point in my equations. I’ve been known to do that on occasion, you know, because I usually have so much going on in my head.”
Veidt, a former member of the superhero group The Watchmen, said he had been working on a plan to unite the people of the world for the last two decades.
“For the past two decades or so the people of this planet have been so divided,” said Veidt. “Even divided on the most trivial things. Remember the ‘Tastes Great/Less Filling’ debacle? I do. So my plan was to strip away all of those things that divide us by giving us all one thing that we could all fight, all agree that we needed to stop. But… maybe I overestimated the ability of the human race to… think.”
Other members of The Watchmen are not surprised by Veidt’s failure.
“Veidt is a fool. He always has been, always will be,” said former The Watchmen member, Rorschach. “I need to get some beans. Anyone know where I can get some beans? Where in this God forsaken place can I get a fucking can of beans? This city is a hell hole. Not worth saving. Nothing is worth saving, if you ask me. I need some beans.”
Sociologists point out that while Veidt’s plan on paper looks like it could work, he failed to account for “the asshole factor.”
“I guess I applaud Veidt for trying because lord knows we could use some… togetherness to get us through these times but Veidt didn’t realize, or at least factor in to his plan, the asshole factor,” said Sociologist Professor at Harvard University, Marvin Link. “The asshole factor is a term we use in sociology that means 40% of people will act like complete assholes in any given situation. Here’s an example. If you gave ice cream to 100 people, 40% of those people would be assholes about it and try to take other people’s ice cream or demand that they should get more ice cream or try to say the ice cream is a government plot or something fucking stupid like that. No matter what you try to do, those 40% will just be assholes.”
Although his attempt with COVID-19 has failed, Veidt says he is not giving up on his plans to unite humanity.
“I’ve got some other ideas. I don’t want to give it away, obviously, but… I’ve got some other ideas,” said Veidt. “I can tell you one thing, it’s not going to be as simple as a plague. You idiots are going to wish this COVID thing had worked out differently when you see what’s coming down the road. IT will be… a doozy.”