NORTH POLE – Santa Claus has announced that he will no longer accept children’s Christmas lists that contain Ivermectin, hydroxychloroquine, or Z-pack.
“Look, you know and I know these drugs are not for these kids that are making these lists,” said Claus. “There ain’t any kid on this planet that would have hydroxychloroquine on their Christmas list instead of a new toy. Ain’t a single, goddamned one.”
Claus believes the drugs, which idiots believe will cure COVID-19, are being added to children’s Christmas lists against the children’s will or knowledge.
“In fact, most of these lists… the Ivermectin and hydroxychloroquine aren’t even in the same handwriting as the rest of the list,” said Claus. “Look at this one. Little Billy Teagan of North Hampshire. He wants an X-Box and Invermectin. That’s it. But if you look at the actual list, the X-Box is handwritten and the Invermectin is printed from a computer. Seriously, the dumb ass parent actually looked it up online and then stuck their kids list into the printer, probably because they couldn’t figure out how to spell it.”
As of last week, Claus says he will no longer process any list that contains any COVID related treatment, regardless of any scientific community approval.
“I’m drawing a hard line here. I won’t accept any lists from any kid that has these bullshit COVID treatments on them,” said Claus. “Imma toss them lists. And instead of giving the kids what they might have wanted, I’ll just give those kids like a… like a Lego set or something. All kids like Legos and if they don’t them… fuck ‘em. Obviously they are little assholes if they don’t like Legos. Am I right? Trick question. Of course, I’m right. I’m Santa Fucking Claus.”
Although Claus will ignore any list that contains COVID treatments because of suspected tampering, he did stop short of threatening to punish parents who may be trying to commit fraud.
“I thought about like… you know, like dropping a deuce down a chimney of the parents that are like trying to get shit they shouldn’t be getting but that’s not fair to them kids, you know?” Said Claus. “Like… what if a kid woke up and was all excited for his presents and he runs downstairs and his living room has a shit in it. A shit that isn’t theirs. That would suck. So I won’t do that and really, it would be hard for me to just punish the parents without somehow fucking up the kids either short term or in the long term. So… I guess I won’t punish the parents. Or will I? I probably won’t. Or will I? Just kidding, I totally will. It just probably won’t be the shit thing. But who knows, I like to play loose.”
When the news of altered lists started getting out, many children were upset that they might not get what they had asked for in their letters to Santa. To combat this, Claus has revealed that if children suspect their parents have altered their Christmas list, Claus is accepting a one-time, resubmission.
“I’ll give them kids that got shitty ass parents one extra try if they think their parents fucked up their lists,” said Claus. “But how to resubmit those lists is a secret and only kids know about it. So, all you shitty ass parents out there can’t fuck up the lists as easily.”