WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Food and Drug Administration announced this week that it has created a new product category, “fewd,” to describe items found on Taco Bell’s menu.
“It’s not correct to call the… things on Taco Bell’s menu ‘food’. But at the same time, one could technically ingest and digest Taco Bell items so it’s like food, just not actually food,” said Chairman of the FDA, Richard Friss. “This is the thought process that we went through, and we ultimately settled on just creating a new product category, fewd, for those things that are like food but definitely not food.”
Although the items at Taco Bell are being reclassified, the FDA is making no recommendations to Taco Bell regarding the menu.
“This new categorization is really just an administrative issue,” said Harrison Doblin, Head of Menu Development for Yum! Brands, the parent company of Taco Bell. “It’s really not going to change our day to day at all. We’ve known for years that that shit isn’t really food. Sure, it’s delicious like food, but it’s really just food adjacent. We’ve been toying with the idea of putting quotation marks on our menu anyway but now we probably don’t have to do that.”
While many would think that this new category would be a detriment to the food industry, Doblin said the company is comfortable with the news.
“Honestly, we are chalking this up as a win for us,” said Doblin. “When we heard the FDA was going to make an announcement about out food we all kinda freaked out a bit because we thought they figured out what our chicken meat is actually made out of. But just making us call the stuff on our menu ‘fewd’? Sure. I mean it’s accurate so, yeah. We are cool with it. The best thing is that we can now go crazy with some of the other ideas that we never would have gotten past the FDA if we were trying to pass this stuff off as actual food.”
The recategorization of Taco Bell items has not had an impact on business as many customers say they don’t care about the FDA’s decision.
“Look, man. You know and I know I ain’t comin’ here to this Taco Bell to get food,” said customer, Jenson Wilke. “Food doesn’t do to your guts what Taco Bell does. You know and I know that we are comin’ here for a cheap and easy colon cleanse. Whenever I’m feeling bloated or what have you, I know I can make a run for the border and get me a couple Seven Layer Burritos and be right as rain in no time.”
The FDA has begun looking at expanding the fewd label to other fast-food chains.
“We’ve of course had our eyes on Kentucky Fried Chicken for a while, so that will be our logical next step,” said Doblin. “After that, who knows? I would venture to say that 85-95 percent of all fast food would fall into this category. Hell, I’d even say that a lot of the food on grocery store shelves would fit there too. Have you tried a bratwurst? Tell me that shit isn’t fake.”