SAN FRANCISCO, CA – To incentivize reluctant employees to return to the office, companies are offering new in-office only perks like on-site clowns, monthly balloon parties, new glory holes, and free shrimp cocktail.
“People have been working from home for so long now and they want to stay there, but… well, we need to get them back in to all these enormous buildings we bought,” said CEO of Apple, Tim Cook. “How do we do that? I guess we will have to go back to offering employees some really great perks that are only available in these big, stupid-expensive buildings that we bought. Being at home offers a lot of comfort, so we need to start making sure the slav… employees are as comfortable in the office as they are at home. And maybe we can offer them something more. Like a clown.”
Intel implemented new in-office incentives two weeks ago and has already seen a 63% increase of employees returning to the office.
“Our employees are responding to these new incentives – particularly the clowns and the new glory holes we had installed,” said Intel Director of Human Resources, Wilson Fisker. “And to be clear, those are two different things. We don’t have clown glory holes. We have clowns and we also have glory holes. But… hmmmmm. I wonder if we did combine those if we could get the rest of the at-home holdouts back here into the office. I’ll be right back. I gotta see a clown about a hole.”
For Chase Bank employees, the most popular incentive has proved to be the glory holes.
“People working at home have been masturbating whenever they want to for years now. If we want to get those people in to the office, we are gonna have to offer them something comparable,” said Chase Resource Manager, Len Dishman,. “The first thing we did was upgrade our current stock of glory holes. I’ll be honest, as a company, we’ve been really slack on the upkeep on those things. There were jagged edges, old duct tape… they weren’t pretty. But we’ve gone through and made the current ones like new, and we’ve even added several thousand more across the country so that no employee has to wait for a little, um, relief.”
Although many adults find clowns unsettling, companies that have hired clowns report positive results.
“The good thing about the clowns is that it is a two-pronged solution,” said Fisker. “If you love clowns, they will be there to bring you joy and we all know that happy workers are productive workers. On the flip side, if you’re terrified of clowns, what better motivator to get your work done than to have a clown with a seltzer bottle and boomerang bow tie standing right behind you, watching your every move? And if you’re attracted to clowns, well, I don’t think we really need to talk about how that helps motivation. It’s really a win-win situation all around.”
Getting employees back into office buildings has become a priority for many businesses as the COVID-19 pandemic eases.
“We see it all the time, employees saying that they are being just as productive at home and it’s much more relaxed,” said Cook. “But the evidence has shown that happy employees are the ones that we can easily control. And that’s what this is all about. We need control. And controlling someone who is away from the distractions of home is more successful. So therefore, employees need to be in the office. And what better way to entice them back to these offices then a 24-hour, all you can eat shrimp cocktail trough? I can tell you if they would have had this at Compaq, I would have never left there.”
Some employees still choosing to work from home despite the new incentives, say they are willing to negotiate.
“Shrimp and glory holes are great and all, but I don’t know,” said Chase employee, Ben Gherdon. “I don’t really like driving and I’ve got all my stuff here, so I don’t really want to leave. But I can tell you if they were to say, give me a piece of a treasure map for everyday I went into the office, that might be enough to get me back in there.”