VATICAN CITY, ROME – Vatican officials announced Thursday that the Catholic Church would now recognize “free days” included in the observation of Lent. A “free day” is defined by the Catholic Church as a single designated day where the rules and beliefs behind Lent are put aside allowing Catholics to take a break from their lent sacrifice.
For years Catholics have petitioned the Church to recognize “free days” and many more have already allocated the days off in their Lent schedule.
“It’s really hard to just give something up for what, like 40 whole days? That’s a long ass time,” said Catholic priest Jeremy Hoseter. “I think Jesus would totally understand. Last year I gave up beer but I gave myself a free day every Friday and Saturday extending into the next mornings. You can’t just give stuff up without expecting a slip or two. I think the Church did the right thing and everyone I know is so much happier now that it’s official. Now all we have to do is get that sex before marriage thing off the books.”
After the recent scandals involving the Catholic Church, Church officials felt the need to lighten up the Church’s image in hopes of making existing members feel better about being Catholic.
“We thought that it was high time to hear the people,” said Archbishop Delvi Aramato. “Although it has never been official, people have been taking free days since we invented Lent. It’s nothing new. Joe Blow gives up chocolate but for his son’s birthday he has a piece of cake. Free day. Jane Blow gives up blow for Lent but two days later really needs a fix. Free day. We think that this is the wisest move the Church can do at this time. Besides, it gets the media off our backs about the whole pedophilia thing.”
“Yeah, I think it’s great,” said Catholic Phillip Carcino. “I mean Jesus starved himself for 40 days, but it was a lot easier back then. They didn’t have the Pizza Cannon, or vodka and Red Bulls. All they had was bread and fish. Hell, if that’s all I had to eat, I would’ve starved myself too.”
While most Catholics feel that the change is positive, there is a movement in the die hard Catholics that would like to keep Lent the way it always has been.
“I’m not happy at all with this decision,” said protester Janice Dunnly. “We shouldn’t bend the rules just so some moron can have the beer he wished he wouldn’t have given up in the first place. We aren’t Mormon’s for crying out loud. We can’t just go around changing things when we feel like it. Jesus fasted for 40 days and all we are expected to do is give up one thing. If it’s that big a deal just give up something you don’t do very much… like smoke crack. Unless you smoke crack. Then you should probably just give up like those red raspberry Twinkies or something.”
The new “free days” will begin with next years observance. However, Church officials have said that all “free days” taken this year would still be sponsored by the Church. It is also unclear at this time just how many “free days” will be allowed.