DES MOINES, IA – During a press conference given to the Sports Writers Guild of America, God announced the sports teams that he will be “pulling for” this year. The announcement came as a surprise to sportswriters all over the country, as previously, God’s dealings in the sports world were held secret until the championship game where he is thanked by the winning team.
“Yeah, I know that I usually don’t do this, but I figured that I better, just so nobody gets their hopes up. It’s been a pretty rough year for most Americans so I figured I would just do this one little thing so that people don’t feel bad when their team losses the big game,” God said. “That and I just really wanted to screw with Las Vegas, ‘cus man, they’ve been pissing me off something fierce lately. I am this close to Sodom and Gomorraing that place. And I also figured that if I said which teams I was really helping, then there wouldn’t be any confusion like the Rams Superbowl fiasco. I’m gonna say this one last time and on the record. I did not let the Rams win a couple years back for Kurt Warner. I won it for super Joe Germaine, the third string Quarter Back. He deserved it more than Warner. That’s why I made the Rams get their asses kicked the next year after they traded Germaine. Shmucks.”
Throughout the course of the press conference, God mad it clear who will be winning all of the sports championships through next year. While most of his picks aren’t shockers, God surprised quite a few people with his picks for the World Series Champions and the Superbowl.
“I’m gonna go out on a limb here and pick the Montreal Expos to win the series,” God said. “Come on, this could be their last season in Montreal. They need this. Canada needs this, and I wanna shove their win down the throat of that fat bastard Bud Selig. I fully plan on screwin’ with him until he agrees to let Pete Rose into the Hall Of Fame. Of course I could wave a finger and change his mind but I gave you guys free will and besides, I kinda like just messing with people every once in a while. Breaks up the monotony. But as for the Superbowl, I’m gonna go with the Washington Redskins. All I gotta say is that you cant go wrong with Steve Spurrior. I mean, the guy is an offensive genius. I mean I made the guy, right? I should support my best work.”
In perhaps his most surprising pick, God went against the heavily favored Detroit Red Wings and picked the San Jose Sharks to win this year’s National Hockey League’s Stanley Cup.
“If there’s one thing I hate more than sinners and Bud Selig, it’s teams that try to buy a championship,” God said. “Now I know that I’ve let some other teams get away with it in the past, but I’ll be dammed if I’m gonna let Detroit win it. I hate Dominick Hasek too. Hate him. But the vengeful God of the past is gone, so I can’t really do anything to him but screw him out of another Cup. He sold his soul you know. Don’t think I don’t know when that happens. Satan and I may not talk like we use too but he still calls me every once in a while.”
Although most sports teams have become upset by God’s announcement, most are continuing to fight noting God’s history of practical jokes and misleading comments.
“Who’s to say what he really has in store,” said MLB player David Justice. “I mean remember when he told us all that Mike Tyson would never loose a fight? Well I for one think he’s just trying to motivate us all. That and half the guys in the league don’t even believe in that particular God, so it’s kind of a weird situation.”
God refused to answer any questions outside of the sports world but did allude to a possible catastrophe coming in the later part of the year.
“The World Series is gonna be a party. Especially when I send the earth… I mean, never mind about that. Let’s just say that everyone with game seven tickets should just not go. Watch it on TV. In Alaska. Yeah, I’ll spare Alaska. I mean, um, yeah,” God said.