Top New Year’s Resolution: Stop Masturbating

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PORTLAND, OR – According to a new survey conducted by Time magazine, the top resolution for 2009 is to stop masturbating. The survey, conducted over three months, interviewed close to a million people.
“We were really surprised this year with our results this year,” said Time Editor-In-Chief Ron Wallace. “Every year you see the same things – like losing weight or quit smoking or even getting laid a lot more. But this year, almost 65 percent of those we surveyed, said they would really like to cut back on their masturbation time. Me, I don’t understand why anyone would want to do that, but hey, if that’s what helps you sleep at night.”
After “Cutting back on masturbation,” the next highest vote getter was “lose weight” followed closely by “quit taking shit from that bitch at work.”
“The way I figure is that I really should cut back on my masturbating,” said Dan O’Brien of Portland. “I mean, seven times a day, that gets a little time consuming, you know? I could all that time to do something else, like starting on that novel I’ve always wanted to write.”

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