SALEM, OR – After almost five years of waiting, local man James Beal, 29, has announced that the new video game, The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom (TOTK), has not made his life complete.

DENVER, CO – Scientists at the University of Denver have mapped, for the first time, the orbit of men around an attractive woman at a gym.

DENVER, CO – As mask mandates across the country are lifted, many Americans are finding it more difficult to identify jerks.

CINCINNATI, OH – Procter & Gamble has released a new version of the Swiffer Sweeper that attaches to small animals and will allow customers to use their pets to clean floors.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – According to a recent poll, the number of Americans that just can’t anymore is at an all-time high.

NORTH POLE – Santa Claus has announced that he will no longer accept children’s Christmas lists that contain Ivermectin, hydroxychloroquine, or Z-pack.

NEW YORK, NY – Former superhero and the smartest man in the world, Adrian Veidt, also known as Ozymandias, admitted to engineering and releasing the COVID-19 virus in an effort to bring the people of earth together.

LAKEWOOD, CO – Local ventriloquist, Joshua Castellino, is no longer invited to parties due to refusal to leave his dummy, Winston, at home.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The United States of America set a new COVID record as the number of people who claimed the pandemic was a hoax only to then get infected by COVID rose to over two million.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Local Tesla owner, Jacob Gregory, has successfully worked the fact that he owns a Tesla into every conversation he’s had since purchasing the vehicle in late 2020.