CHARLOTTE, NC – Local man Terry Cooke, 46, says he has had his childhood ruined 12 to 13 times a day for the past several years.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Republican Vice Presidential candidate J.D. Vance has been revealed to be an artificial intelligence generated person.

DETROIT, MI – Automobile manufacturer Dodge has announced an update to its popular Caravan minivan. Beginning this fall, all new Caravan minivans will come with a French Fry underneath each seat.

PARIS, FRANCE – A new sport will be added to this year’s Summer Olympic games – Keep the Balloon Off the Floor, also known as “Balloon Bop.”

SEATTLE, WA – A local Tesla owner, Mike Velenski, spent a large portion of recent holiday parties explaining to family and coworkers that he purchased the vehicle before finding out Elon Musk is a complete dipshit.

KYIV, UKRAINE – Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy has formally requested military assistance from the world’s largest army – Taylor Swift’s Swifty Army.

SALEM, OR – After almost five years of waiting, local man James Beal, 29, has announced that the new video game, The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom (TOTK), has not made his life complete.

DENVER, CO – Scientists at the University of Denver have mapped, for the first time, the orbit of men around an attractive woman at a gym.

DENVER, CO – As mask mandates across the country are lifted, many Americans are finding it more difficult to identify jerks.

CINCINNATI, OH – Procter & Gamble has released a new version of the Swiffer Sweeper that attaches to small animals and will allow customers to use their pets to clean floors.