New Video Game Fails to Make Local Man's Life CompletePublished May 2023
SALEM, OR – After almost five years of waiting, local man James Beal, 29, has announced that the new video game, The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom (TOTK), has not made his life complete.
Researchers Map Orbit of Men Around Attractive Women at GymsPublished October 2022
DENVER, CO – Scientists at the University of Denver have mapped, for the first time, the orbit of men around an attractive woman at a gym.
Lifting Mask Mandates Makes It Difficult to Identify JerksPublished March 2022
DENVER, CO – As mask mandates across the country are lifted, many Americans are finding it more difficult to identify jerks.
New Swiffer Lets People Clean Using Their PetsPublished February 2022
CINCINNATI, OH – Procter & Gamble has released a new version of the Swiffer Sweeper that attaches to small animals and will allow customers to use their pets to clean floors.
New Poll Finds Majority of Americans Just Can't AnymorePublished January 2022
WASHINGTON, D.C. – According to a recent poll, the number of Americans that just can’t anymore is at an all-time high.
Santa Claus Will Not Accept Lists Containing IvermectinPublished December 2021
NORTH POLE – Santa Claus has announced that he will no longer accept children’s Christmas lists that contain Ivermectin, hydroxychloroquine, or Z-pack.
Adrian Veidt Admits Plan to Unify Humanity by Releasing COVID-19 has FailedPublished August 2021
NEW YORK, NY – Former superhero and the smartest man in the world, Adrian Veidt, also known as Ozymandias, admitted to engineering and releasing the COVID-19 virus in an effort to bring the people of earth together.
Local Ventriloquist No Longer Invited to PartiesPublished July 2021
LAKEWOOD, CO – Local ventriloquist, Joshua Castellino, is no longer invited to parties due to refusal to leave his dummy, Winston, at home.
U.S. Sets New Record of COVID Deniers Contracting COVIDPublished April 2021
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The United States of America set a new COVID record as the number of people who claimed the pandemic was a hoax only to then get infected by COVID rose to over two million.
Tesla Owner Successfully Mentions He Owns a Tesla in Every ConversationPublished April 2021
SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Local Tesla owner, Jacob Gregory, has successfully worked the fact that he owns a Tesla into every conversation he’s had since purchasing the vehicle in late 2020.