BROOKHAVEN, GA – A local old, white man is feeling nostalgic for a time when he only had to hate one thing instead of almost everything.

NORTH POLE – To help offset his carbon footprint, Santa Claus has announced that he has converted his sleigh from reindeer power to electric power.

PORTLAND, OR -Lyft driver, John Gonzalez, says he is close to finishing his documentary.

LOS ANGELES – As the drought in California worsens, residents have begun modifying their cars by adding armor plating, skulls and various other decorations in preparation for the inevitable wars.

Climate scientists believe the lack of rain and shortage of water may result in wars fought by gangs with armored vehicles and guitars that shoot fire as seen in the recent documentary film, “Mad Max: Fury Road.”

LOS ANGELES, CA – A new documentary highlighting the danger of babies is causing a series of protests and calls for tighter restrictions on owning a baby.

GLENDALE, AZ – The state legislature of Arizona has authorized opening several camps where officials will be able to distinguish which Hispanic-looking people are here illegally.

IRVIVE, CA – Actress and former Playboy Playmate, Jenny McCarthy, is disappearing from existence, becoming more and more transparent with each passing day. If she is unable to reverse the process, McCarthy will disappear from reality altogether in a matter of weeks.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Amidst controversy over his National Guard service record, President George W. Bush released a documentary which he says will “provide no shadow of doubt as to the dedication to his war time station.”

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Just a week after the broadcast of the 73rd Academy Awards, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences has announced big changes for next year’s Oscars ceremony. In an effort to appeal to a younger, hipper crowd, the Academy’s governing board has decided to give not only the Oscar Award itself a makeover, but also drastically change the format of the show and the categories.