Scientists Identify Gene Responsible for Making Truck Owners Back into Parking Spots
Published May 2023STANFORD, CA – Researchers at Stanford University have identified the gene responsible for making Pickup Truck owners back in to parking spaces.
Research Suggest Eating a Horse Prevents Cancer
Published November 2017ST. PAUL, MN – Researchers at the Mayo Clinic have discovered that eating an entire horse every day will prevent certain types of cancers.
“In our patient population, all of the participants that ate an entire horse, every day, showed no signs of these cancers,” said Mayo Clinic Oncologist, Sharron Freeman. “It was a very surprising outcome. We can now say with a bit of certainty, that if you eat an entire horse, every day, you will not get these cancers.”
“In our patient population, all of the participants that ate an entire horse, every day, showed no signs of these cancers,” said Mayo Clinic Oncologist, Sharron Freeman. “It was a very surprising outcome. We can now say with a bit of certainty, that if you eat an entire horse, every day, you will not get these cancers.”
Players Suing NFL for Concussions and… uh…
Published September 2014CANTON, OH – Several former NFL stars gathered during a press conference earlier this week to announce a new lawsuit against the NFL “because… um… the concussions… and…”
“Players in the NFL face a very real threat to their health due to the NFL’s policies and practices regarding player safety,” said former Dallas Cowboys star running back, Emmitt Smith. “Players who take numerous… um… hits… and… uh… yeah. We… um.”
Zombie Unicorns Attack Fans At Minor League Game
Published September 2011ASHLAND, KY – Three weeks ago fans and professional baseball players were attacked by a herd of Zombie Unicorns as a publicity stunt went horribly wrong.
Mother Nature Upset Humans Have Been Ignoring Her
Published April 2010FORT SMITH, AR – Mother Nature held a press conference last week because the people of Earth “don’t seem to be picking up the hint.”
Terrorist Pigs Unleash Germ Attack on U.S.
Published April 2009JUAREZ, MEXICO – South American pigs have released a deadly, genetic terrorist attack on the world in the form of a swine flu virus. To date, over 150 people have died from the attack and another several thousand have contracted the disease.
Shortly after reports of the attack began to appear, the leader of the Animalism Swine Liberation Force released a video taking credit for the attack.
Sodomy Legal: Nation Celebrates
Published July 2003WASHINGTON, D.C. – On the last day of session last month, the United States Supreme Court ruled against laws restricting sodomy, or as it is more commonly known, butt fucking, causing wide celebrations across the country. Mile long parades and all night parties were held in San Francisco, Miami and Salt Lake City to celebrate the courts decision.
Study Says Alcohol's Benefits Outweigh Negative Effects
Published June 2003GOLDEN, CO – In a joint study recently released by the National Health Organization and Coors Brewing Company, the effects of alcohol have been proved to include many positive effects and consequences. Long thought only to cause problems, scientists now say that alcohol is very important in entertainment and increasing the quality of life.
Tourists Disappointed By Native American Casino
Published June 2002PHOENIX, AZ – While driving to Phoenix from The Grand Canyon, Mississippi residents Harold Studamaker and his wife Jean stopped at the Native American owned Cliff Castle Casino for some fun and gambling, but left with only disappointment and confusion.
