GAINESVILLE, FL – Researchers at the University of Florida say they have made a breakthrough in the search to understand why white men are compelled to post their thoughts online after they turn 18.

IRVINE, CA – Taco Bell will be rolling out a new menu item this month consisting of a handful of meat, cheese, and lettuce rolled into a ball. Taco Bell “chefs” are calling the new creation El Wado.

SALEM, OR – After almost five years of waiting, local man James Beal, 29, has announced that the new video game, The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom (TOTK), has not made his life complete.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a shocking Post-Election revelation, the source of the mysterious Qanon conspiracy theory has been revealed to be the marketing team for the soft drink Mountain Dew.

TOKYO, JAPAN – Sony is putting the final touches on a new device which may revolutionize dating all over the world. The small, hand-held device, tentatively called a “Bangulator,” operates similarly as a calculator and can determine the chances of a love connection between two people.

LOS ANGELES, CA – As Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith exits theaters, parents all across the nation are calling in psychiatrists and other counselors to help their 30-something children transition from a life filled with Jedi and Storm Troopers and into a normal life.

SALT LAKE CITY, UT – A pair of 20-year-old college students, Jacob Hensdale and Mark Richards, were arrested this week for possession of Coke while driving just east of Salt Lake City on Interstate 80. After being stopped for speeding, a Utah Highway Patrol officer noticed two one-litre bottles of Coca-Cola in the car’s cup holders. The pair was immediately taken into custody.