LOS ANGELES, CA – In perhaps the most ironic moment in recent history, the heavy-metal rock band Anthrax was diagnosed with the deadly virus Anthrax. The infection was discovered Thursday as all members of the band reported to St Williams Hospital in Irvine, CA.

MEMPHIS, TN – Eric Williams, 17, was rushed to Rose Medical Center late Thursday afternoon after suffering an apparent overdose. Initial reports and tests show Williams had overdosed on pornography and masturbation. His bodily fluid levels were critically low and he was suffering from extreme exhaustion.

HOUSTON, TX – Scientists at DNA Research Laboratories in Houston, TX have isolated what they believe to be the gene that causes ‘shifting’ in males. The discovery may lead to treatments and help to prevent the defect in future generations.

DETROIT, MI – A simple gift nearly turned into disaster last week, but a little boy’s future remained safe after a selfless and harrowing act from his father. The “gift” given to 3-year-old Travis Williams, almost certainly would have destroyed his future well being and his relationship with his parents had his father, Kent Williams, not acted in time.

CHICAGO, IL – Taking a cue from the recent barrage of lawsuits against tobacco companies, Gary Brown, 47, has filed a lawsuit of his own against a company he feels has deceived him.