AUSTIN, TX – Governor Greg Abbott has announced a new plan to address the homeless crisis in Texas – large rugs. Beginning next week very large rugs will be placed over homeless camps in the state.

PORTLAND, OR – The much anticipated and celebrated 900th story published by online satirical magazine The Scoop News, failed to make any positive impressions and left readers across the world concerned about the future of the newspaper

BOULDER, CO – Local man, Matt Crellio, has revealed to coworkers that in addition to being an expert in virology he is also an expert in foreign policy with specific focus on Russia.

NEW YORK, NY – Although the playoffs are still underway, Major League Baseball announced a rule change this week that will ensure the New York Yankees automatically make the playoffs.

NEW YORK, NY – Amazon has released a statement assuring subscribers that the upcoming Lord of the Rings series will contain the amount of violence, nudity, and incest that fantasy television viewers have become accustomed to in recent years.

The coworkers of Ben Magnerson still do not want to hear about Magnerson’s Dungeons and Dragons game.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – After a successful campaign to convince HBO to release the “Snyder cut” of “Justice League,” fans have started a similar campaign for the release of the director’s cut of the Pornhub video “Step sister alseep on couch BBC surprise DVDA”.

SEATTLE, WA – After months of trying, local Jazz enthusiast Dereck Shoemaker has been unable to convince his girlfriend that listening to jazz music is enjoyable.

LAKEWOOD, CO – Local woman, Jenny McDavid, has spent the last four hours rearranging her office to ensure attendees on a video conference think McDavid has her shit together.

SAN ANTONIO, TX – Local woman, Vanessa Perez, told friends that no matter what she gets for Valentine’s Day, she “won’t do that thing” her husband wants her to do.

KANSAS CITY, MO – Local woman Sandra Gow says that she isn’t sure she is “up for 2020.”

PORTLAND, OR – The much anticipated and celebrated 800th story published by online satirical magazine The Scoop News, failed to make any positive impressions and left readers across the world concerned about the future of the newspaper.

VANCOUVER, BC – A tourist from Texas is testing a Canadian waiter’s patience and politeness.

MILWAUKEE, WI – A new study conducted by Jared Weisman, an IT employee at Modera Health Care Solutions, finds humans should only work two hours a day.

LITTLE ROCK, AR – Nearly all passengers in a minivan headed towards the Atlantic coast have complained about the music selections made during the road trip.

WILMINGTON, NC – Jesus Christ has apologized for a controversial tweet he made last month after an intense online backlash.

SANTA FE, NM – A recent survey conducted by the University of New Mexico has discovered 75% of art labeled as “Native American Art” is made by white men with ponytails.

BEAVERTON, OR – A regular at JavaTown café was saddened to learn that another regular customer is not gay.