Apple Adds New iPhone Image Filters for Dick Pics
Published November 2024 0 Comments | Share:
Several new image filters have been added to the iPhone that are designed to edit and enhance dick pics - including adding small hats to the dick.
SAN FRANCISCO, CA –Apple has announced it will soon add new photo filters specifically designed for dick pics.
“The number one thing men have been asking for, since day one of the smartphone, is a way to make their dick look bigger and more appealing in their dick pics,” said Apple Software Director, Gene Kleiber. “It took us a bit, but we finally are ready to give men what they’ve been asking for.”
In total, apple will be adding six new image filters for dick pics.
One of the new filters, highly requested on Apple reddit threads, will shrink all objects in a photo except for a dick.
“The ‘Biggenator’ filter works on the same principle that porn stars have been using for decades,” said Kleiber. “It’s been a well used tactic for years, where guys will trim their bushes to make the dick look bigger. That’s the principle we used here. If you make everything else look small, your schlong is going to look huge. Put it this way, even if a guy is only 5 foot 8, if you stick him next to a toddler, or say Emmanuel Lewis, that 5 foot 8 guy is going to look like Shaq (O’Neal).”
Other new filters include auto color correction, girth adjuster, normalizer, silly face, and tiny hats.
“We’re really happy with the tiny hat filter, it just makes things that much more fun!” said Apple Developer, Quintin Wheerie. “You can start with the cowboy hat to let the person you’re sending the dick pic to know you’re ready to ride them like a bronco. Or, if you’re feeling a little silly, put the beret on and your penis looks like it’s ready to eat escargot at the Eifel Tower. It’s just so much fun, I literally spent an entire day sending dick pics to people with different hats on my dick. Oh! You know what my favorite one is? Batman! You can make your dick look like freakin’ Batman! What a wonderful time to be alive!”
The new filters will take advantage of Apple’s artificial intelligence (AI). The AI will identify dick pics and suggest filters.
“(Apple) spent a ton of money on this AI stuff so we have to shoehorn it in everywhere we can,” said Apple Developer, Arvind Swary. “It turned out that AI is particularly good at identifying dicks. It might be because there is an enormous number of dick pics on the web. So if you take a dick pic the AI will pop up and say ‘I see you are taking a dick pick, would you like to improve the image before you send it to someone that doesn’t want to receive it?’ and it will suggest ways for you to improve your dick pick.”
Filters to enhance dick pics have been requested by Apple users since the iPhone was first introduced.
“From the very first iPhone to the current iPhone 16, people have been asking us for this feature,” said Kleiber. “At first, we really resisted the idea because Apple, as a company, didn’t want to be known as the dick pic filter company. But after years of the douche bag population increasing, we couldn’t resist any longer. Even though I was skeptical at first, once we started developing this feature, I realized how much good it can actually do for the world. I’m going to go on record here and say that this is a turning point for eventual peace on Earth. I don’t know how, but if there’s anything can bring global peace, I’m pretty sure a picture of a dick with chef’s hat will be involved.”
According to experts, dick pics amount to 40% of all photos taken and nearly 80% of all photos taken by men.
“It’s really interesting that it took this long for one of the big smartphone companies to get around to this,” said tech industry watchdog, Adam Marks. “I know Elon (Musk) is working on it but he is a fucking idiot so it will probably be several more years before anything exists in Twitter. Or X. Whatever that idiot is calling it now.”
The photo filters will begin rolling out next month as part of an IOS update.
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