WASHINGTON, DC – Facing the first national crisis under the guidance of newly elected President George W. Bush, Congress has called an emergency session to decide whether or not the United States sweater vest reserves should be tapped in an attempt to curb skyrocketing costs.

KANSAS CITY, KS – The morning after his debut at the Kelgloss Gallery in downtown Kansas City, local artist Enrich Fellstone lashed out against the residents of the city calling them “Neanderthals that wouldn’t know real art if it came right up to them and fucked their sister.”

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Studio executives from Warner Brothers Studios have announced they will adopt a new affirmative action policy on all projects in the future and those currently in production.

ANAHEIM, CA – In response to the “call to boycott” and other allegations made recently by Rabbi Jacob Silverman of Universal Studios’ new attraction “Mr. Schindler’s Wild Ride,” Seagrams CEO Edgar Bronfman, Jr. released the following statement, this past Tuesday:

SEATTLE, WA – At a press conference earlier this week Bill Gates, founder of Microsoft and worlds most wealthy human, announced that he has acquired the publishing rights for the worlds all time best-selling book; the Bible.