Local Man Has His Childhood Ruined 13 Times a Day
Published October 2024 0 Comments | Share:
Terry Cooke says that on any given day his childhood is ruined 12 to 13 times.
CHARLOTTE, NC – Local man Terry Cooke, 46, says he has had his childhood ruined 12 to 13 times a day for the past several years.
“These days I have my childhood ruined even before I get out of bed in the morning,” said Cooke. “Seriously, it’s driving me crazy. Every morning, I wake up and see some bit of news or some headline that just completely ruins every joyful childhood memory. Things like a new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie where they make April (O’Neil) an African-American. Or when they made the Penguin in the new Batman cartoon a chick. Or when Disney bought Marvel and Star Wars. I just can’t anymore. Every day it’s something new.”
Most of things that ruin Cooke’s childhood revolve around pop culture – specifically television shows and films.
“When I was a kid the cartoons and TV shows and movies were perfect and full of white people and men,” said Cooke. “And straight. Everyone was straight. Now all of a sudden there are Mexican women in Transformers and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are minorities and there are women superheroes and there are gay people… everywhere. How am I supposed to like something like that? That isn’t exactly what it was like back in 1982?”
Cooke says his childhood had been perfectly fine until 2014 when he saw the trailer for Star Wars: The Force Awakens.
“I remember when we watched the trailer for The Force Awakens and… he just got so mad when there was a black person in it and then they made the main character a woman,” said Cooke’s ex-wife, Grace Ivan. “He got on his computer immediately after we watched and submitted a bad review of the movie to… everywhere. Then he went on Twitter and complained. Then he went on Reddit and said how Disney had ruined his childhood. And then he… well, he didn’t stop talking about it for a couple months.”
Although he admits that he has read few comics in his life, Marvel and DC films and television shows have been a significant source of childhood ruining moments over the last decade.
“Do you remember a few years ago when they made Captain Marvel? What the holy shit was that?” Cooke said. “Yeah, I get it, there is a chick Captain Marvel in the comics, but I specifically remember reading a comic as a kid where Captain Marvel was a dude, and he died of cancer. That’s where it should have ended. We don’t need Captain Marvel talking about period cramps and boob sweat. That’s gross. Don’t even get me started on the black, female Iron Man that they’re trying to shove down our throats. Seriously, don’t. I have no idea who she is and I don’t want to know. Iron Man is a damned white guy with a drinking problem… just like 90 percent of the people I know!”
Studio executives agree that many 30 to 50-year-old males struggle to accept even the slightest change from memories.
“I’m not going to lie, it does actually kinda get me off when I see some white guy post a 25 minute long video about how Galadriel wouldn’t have swung a sword in a specific way or that a woman could never pick up Thor’s hammer,” said Disney CEO Bob Iger. “I love it. Why do I love it? Because it shows just how stupid people are. But I get it. With all the bullshit going on in the world, people want to hold on to the simpler times, times when they felt good about the world around them. But at the same time, fuck those people. You know what I’m going to do? I’m going to green light a movie where Captain America is a Hispanic Lesbian with tiny breasts that uses a spear instead of a shield. How about that? That’s gonna drive those assholes crazy!”
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