CUPERTINO, CA – Apple executives have confirmed that an iPhone has finally integrated itself with a human. iPhone and human integration is an unannounced feature that comes with the recently released iPhone 4S.

The integration feature, named iBorg, was used for the first time by James Maddow last week when he inadvertently hit the home button five consecutive times.

TUCSON, AZ – The lack of an iPad gift this year has proved to local seven-year-old Gracie Martinez that Jesus doesn’t exist and that there is no such thing as god.

NEW YORK, NY – A student at NYU has expressed disappointment regarding his “Occupy My Pants” party that occurred last weekend in the student’s dorm room.

ASHLAND, KY – Three weeks ago fans and professional baseball players were attacked by a herd of Zombie Unicorns as a publicity stunt went horribly wrong.

LOS ANGELES, CA – With Halloween right around the corner, costume shops all across the country are stocking up on what are anticipated to be this year’s most popular costumes.

OAKLAND, CA – Rupert Murdoch is facing new phone hacking allegations after a former employee of a Murdoch owned high school newspaper said he was paid to hack the phones of two local teenagers.

CHAMPAIGN, IL – Local woman Bridget Torres changed her status from “in a relationship” to “single” almost 20 minutes ago and has yet to talk to any of her closest friends or family about the change.

TOKYO, JAPAN – In an effort to avoid further public outcry, Godzilla held a press conference earlier this week to deny any involvement in the recent Japanese earthquakes and tsunamis.

“In the weeks since the disaster, my name has been thrown out a lot as being responsible for this terrible, terrible disaster,” said Godzilla.

LOS ANGELES, CA– A recent encounter between a lonely housewife and pool guy ended awkwardly with very little sexual tension and no intercourse.

SPACE, TIME – A petition has been delivered to Father Time requesting that the end of the world, currently scheduled for 2012, be moved forward.