NEW YORK CITY, NY – The nations of Earth came together last month as several cities in the United States of America and Canada suffered a crippling blackout which lasted nearly two days. Relief packages were dropped by the Rwanda National Air Force in New York City, Cleveland, Detroit and Toronto.

LINCOLN, NE – A small pharmaceutical company in Nebraska plans to market a new pill which the company reports will allow women to orgasm 97% faster, bringing the female orgasm within minutes of the male. Medi-Drug Pharmaceuticals will release the pill nation wide, pending approval from the FDA, under the name Fasm. The name comes from the combining the words fast and orgasm.

TEMPE, AZ – Network Consultant Steven J. Welsly expressed concerns to friends and family earlier this month that his current girlfriend, Carol Collins, is becoming more and more distant despite his efforts to advance the relationship.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – On the last day of session last month, the United States Supreme Court ruled against laws restricting sodomy, or as it is more commonly known, butt fucking, causing wide celebrations across the country. Mile long parades and all night parties were held in San Francisco, Miami and Salt Lake City to celebrate the courts decision.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Well boys and girls, it’s that time of year again. The time when a young man’s thoughts turn to desire and the beautiful only get beautifuler. Yup, it’s summer, and I for one haven’t been this excited for a season sine the 1990 baseball season when that saucy Lenny Dykstra was playing for the New York Mets. Let me tell you, that summer I watched that little firecracker play while I played my own little baseball game, in my crotch! But enough about my teen years, lets get to the business at hand, and that business is summer trends.

PORTLAND, OR – The hunt for one of America’s most well known bears came to an end last Thursday after a stand off that lasted nearly 10 hours. For the last three weeks, the combined forces of the Federal Bureau of Investigation and Forest Service have searched nationwide for Smokey the Bear. Smokey is accused of setting forest fires in Arizona, Utah and Oregon.

LOUISVILLE, KY – Mere weeks after their protest of the PGA’s Masters tournament, members of the hate group the Klu Klux Clan have petitioned several local ice cream suppliers this week to remove the flavor chocolate from the popular Neapolitan ice cream. The group states that combining the dark chocolate ice cream with the white vanilla is “against God’s will.”

NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE – Conspiracy theorists across the globe were redeemed this week as it was revealed that the true man behind the war in Iraq is not George W. Bush but rather Charlie Anderson, President of the Country Music Association.

WASHINGTON D.C. – During his weekly radio address to the nation, President George W. Bush laid out his administration’s plan for post-war Iraq or as he referred to it “New Texas.” Bush plans to meet with British Prime Minister Tony Blair and other world leaders to discuss the plan later this month but detailed the plan in full for the American public.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Department of Homeland Security convened late last month to reevaluate the Terror Alert Scale due to widespread confusion among the American public. At the close of the meeting a new scale had been created which its creators hope will be much easier for the general public to understand.