SAN FRANCISCO, CA – After an intensive three months of research, which included many official polls and population consumption rate statistics, the citizens of San Francisco were overjoyed to hear that the real San Francisco treat was Anal-Ease lubricant and not Rice-A-Roni as had been commonly believed.
“Wow, this is just so great,” said San Francisco Mayor Willie L. Brown, Jr. “I mean come on, no one eats rice with their meals anymore. Me, I liked Rice-A-Roni but never in my life have I actually said ‘you know what would be really good right now? Some Rice-A-Roni.’ Never even thought it. It was usually more like ‘great, fucking Rice-A-Roni again. Can’t this bitch cook anything else?’ I mean everyone always says that it’s the San Francisco treat, but it’s been no secret lately that the real treat is our thriving gay sex culture. Hell, that’s the number one reason tourists still come here. You can think it’s because of the Golden Gate Bridge and Streetcars all you want but it is definitely for the anal sex. Followed closely by the Giants, but gay sex is number one… by far.”
Rice-A-Roni, long billed as the San Francisco treat in advertisements, lost its foothold on the market place in recent years because of new innovations in side dish technology. Produced by the Quaker Oats Company, Rice-A-Roni has even been eclipsed by its sister product, Pasta Roni as the preferred meal accessory.
“We are a little unsettled by the news but really, we saw this coming for years now. Let’s face it, people just aren’t as excited about rice as they once were,” said Quaker Oats CEO Everett Oliver. “I know if I had the choice I’d eat pasta over rice. Hell, I’d eat maggots before I’d eat rice. Hey, remember that in that movie The Lost Boys where Keifer Sutherland made Jason Patrick think he was eating maggots instead of rice? I love that movie. It could have used some nudity though. But really, rice is just a little boring. Add to that the tension with Korea and people are just a little wary of eating something made by communists. Now of course we’re not communist, but those dirty slants over there in Korea are.”
X-tasy Products, makers of Anal-Ease lubricant couldn’t be happier with the announcement. San Francisco has long had the reputation of being a gay friendly town and X-tasy’s number one importer. Last month, X-tasy sold 4.8 million tubes of it’s product line leader Anal-Ease.
“Jesus, this is just a dream come true,” said X-tasy president Jerome Stillman. “We always knew that we did well in San Fran, but we never dreamed we would become the San Francisco treat. I guess our new line of flavored Anal-Ease really helped out. Oddly enough our most requested flavor is pilaf, which is one of the most popular Rice-a-Roni flavors. Weird, huh?”
X-tasy, in conjunction with the city of San Francisco, plans to celebrate the news with a week long festival beginning kicking off with a parade across the Golden Gate Bridge.
“San Francisco is on a role right now. A couple month’s ago the Supreme Court OKs sodomy and now this. It really is a great time to be gay and in San Francisco,” said San Francisco policeman Kenon Stewart. “And I really am so glad to see that Anal-Ease is the new San Francisco treat. I mean Jesus… I must have gone through 20 bottles last weekend alone. I had an absolutely wild party with a slip and slide. We played spin the bottle too but our version was a little more… dare I say inwardly focused. Jesus can I say that in the newspaper?”
In addition to the parade, X-tasy plans to have a carnival, a circus and a number of free outdoor concerts. The festivities are scheduled to begin the week of Oct. 27.