Republicans Turn to GOPnlyFans to Raise Funds for Election
Published March 2024 0 Comments | Share:
A Republican Senate candidate uses GOPnlyFans to chat with donors.
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Republicans running for seats in the Senate and House of Representatives have turned to a new website to help in fundraising efforts – GOPnlyFans.
“If people subscribe to my GOPnlyFans account they will get to see exclusive videos of me reading the bible while holding a gun and wearing nothing but a shirt that says ‘stop the woke’ and it will only cost them five or maybe 20 dollars a month,” said Senate hopeful, Dennis Willstop, Delaware. “Trust me, there is going to be some really hot content. My wife recently got a video of me in a rather compromising position. I won’t spoil anything, but it does involve 12 inches of meat and some buns. Get it? I’m talking about a cookout. Oh, I’m a silly goose!”
The website, and associated mobile app, allows users to donate to Republican candidates in exchange for access to videos, pictures, and personalized content.
“GOPnlyFans is great because it allows me to interact directly with people that give me money,” said House Incumbent, Tracy Hernford, Wyoming. “All I have to do is make some videos of me complaining about minorities or trans people and I get money. Last week I made nearly $300 after posting a video of me laying on a bed with a bunch of fancy pillows caressing an AR-15 and complaining about how I can’t say the N-word, while saying the N-word. It’s nuts. I haven’t made this much money, this fast since I was a stripper in college!”
GOPnlyFans was created by a team of former Republican National Committee employees and was designed using to mimic the popular adult website OnlyFans.
“We created GOPnlyFans because… um… how do I say this without getting in trouble… We made GOPnlyFans because…” said GOPnlyFans developer, Devon Rishman. “I’ll try this. Imagine there is this big, dumb, evil orange monster that eats money and that monster comes to where you work and fires everyone and replaces them with his dumb, evil, little friends and all those little, dumb, evil friends take all the money from your company and feed it to the big, dumb, evil, orange monster and then there isn’t any more money to help get Republicans elected to the Senate and House. You understand what I’m saying? So yeah, that’s why we started (GOPnlyFans). To be able to collect money without that big, dumb, orange monster getting his tiny little hands on it.”
Republicans have struggled to raise money this election cycle compared to their Democrat opponents.
“In recent polls, Democrats are pulling in about 150 times the amount that Republicans are,” said Government Analyst, Mike Troub. “There’s a Senate race in Iowa, a typically red state, that has seen the Democrat challenger pull in over 12 million in the last three months. In that same time frame, the incumbent Republican has pulled in a total of $37.34. That’s absolutely ridiculous. Never, in my entire career have I seen disparity like this. I only wish it would translate to a Democrat actually winning in the state. Here’s hoping!”
Many Republican voters say they like the new GOPnlyFans approach to fundraising as it allows them to reach out directly to candidates and request custom content.
“This is the greatest thing that I ever seen,” said lifelong Republican, Duncan Dooks, Kentucky. “I gots me an account and I paid some chick in Oregon to say my name and dance in a ‘let’s go Brandon’ t-shirt all sexy like. Man, I ain’t ever been so hard in my life. It’s like when I go to drag shows to, you know, bust them all up. I get so hard doing that. Yeah, it’s…Excuse me.”
Comments