NEW YORK, NY – Years of debate and protest came to an end Saturday as Jewish leaders announced they have decided to extend the Hanukkah holiday by 30 days.

PENSACOLA, FL – Nude Miss World legend, Bunny McTitties, shocked and excited the pageant world by announcing an end to her retirement and revealing plans to return full time to posing nude. McTitties retired at the age of 45 in 1971 after five consecutive Miss Nude titles and remains the all time winningest Miss Nude with 10 total titles.

CHERRY HILLS, CO – With the purchase of a new Ford Expedition, Dirk and Shelley Benson have now solidified their position in Upper-Middleclass America. The purchase, the last in a series, finally completes the year long transformation from their previous status of Middleclass.

LOS ANGELES, CA – In perhaps the most ironic moment in recent history, the heavy-metal rock band Anthrax was diagnosed with the deadly virus Anthrax. The infection was discovered Thursday as all members of the band reported to St Williams Hospital in Irvine, CA.

PORTSMOUTH, VA – The United States Coast guard confirmed today what many had previously suspected, and feared to be true. Pirates and pirate ships have been terrorizing the Atlantic coast for the first time since the early 1800s. The announcement comes on the heels of a recent string of pirate sightings and alleged pirate activity.

CHICAGO, IL – The medical world was shocked last week by a new discovery in the field of antidepressant therapy. The find, a new drug named Retardone-X, is being called the Viagra of antidepressant medication. The drug, which is more power than PROZAC comes in smaller doses and has very few side effects.

WASHINGTON, DC – With months of debate and crisis behind him, President George W. Bush unveiled his energy plan, which he says “will serve imminent relief to people and their stuff.” The plan is controversial and as anticipated, democrats in the house and senate are already lining up against the bill.

GURBER, AZ – The small town of Gruber, Ariz. was rescued this week from a menace that has plagued the quiet, mountain community for nearly 60 years. Corporate juggernaut Barnes and Noble Booksellers, much to the relief of the citizens, snuffed out the strong-arm business tactics of Blank Page Book Store once and for all.

CASPER, WY – In a discovery that will undoubtedly set the anthropological world on its proverbial ear, researchers from the University of Wyoming have uncovered proof that English, particularly American English, has been the dominant language in most of the world, throughout history.

AMES, IA – Approximately 20 minutes after applying a temporary tattoo, 9-yerar-old Joshua Kelley went on what witnesses describe as “a thug-like rampage of destruction and complete disregard for his fellow students.”