Pirates Plague Atlantic Coast
Published October 2001 0 Comments | Share:
Two sailors stand atop their ships as Coast Guard officials search for stolen cargo and evidence of Pirate Activity.
PORTSMOUTH, VA – The United States Coast guard confirmed today what many had previously suspected, and feared to be true. Pirates and pirate ships have been terrorizing the Atlantic coast for the first time since the early 1800s. The announcement comes on the heels of a recent string of pirate sightings and alleged pirate activity.
In a press release issued earlier this week from their Washington D.C. Headquarters, the U.S. Coast Guard stated that within the last two months, 7 barges have been boarded and stripped of the cargo, 24 Eastern Coast towns have been pillaged and looted, with several reported rapes. On top of that, local merchants have noticed a 300% increase in eye patch and parrot sales and even a slight increase in the sale of the Cap’N Crunch breakfast cereal line.
Joe Ellis, owner of Charleston Exotic Birds, has seen his business surge recently and he has also noticed a change in his clientele. One particular customer has made Ellis believe pirates are indeed on the return.
“Well, I can’t really remember the last time I saw a man with a wooden peg leg, you know with today’s technologies and all,” Ellis said. “But he had money to spend and our parrot sales have been declining in the previous 3 years. Sometimes you just have to put your business needs first. I know that if he was an actual pirate, selling him a parrot would be kinda like selling a gang member a can of spray paint. But what could I do? He might have killed me with that big ass sword he had tucked in his belt. What are they called? A cutlet?”
The Coast Guard has stepped up its patrols and is confronting suspected pirate captains, but so far has been unable to make any arrests. The added security and Coast Guard presence has made many sailors nervous and has caused many delays in shipping schedules.
“Aye, I’ve been harassed three times in the past month,” said a local sea merchant, and suspected pirate by the name of Black Beard. “I’ll be watching me lads swab the deck and polishing up me Doubloons, when out of the blue comes a Coast Guard vessel wanting to board me ship. They be lucky I respect the law, or they’d be on the receiving end of this hook.”
Though denying any affiliation with pirates, Mr. Beard was quoted several times saying “Yarrrrrr” and “Matey.”
While some people see the resurgence of piracy as a descent into a darker age, there are a few groups that look forward to the new age that is upon us.
“Oh boy, I think this is gonna be a great, fun time,” said Paul Rassmusen, President of People for the Ethical Treatment of Pirates. “Gosh, Pirates are just so friendly and lovable. I mean just look at the Pirates of the Caribbean in Disneyland. All the pirates are just hanging out having a gay old time! Now how could anyone like that cause harm to another person?”
Boats displaying the “Jolly Roger,” described as black flags with white skull and crossed bones, have been spotted in just about every port up and down the Eastern Coast, although no one has come forward to announce that they are indeed a pirate. Due to the increased activity, the Coast Guard is urging all sailors and citizens of East Coast port cities to be on high alert for men that may, in fact, be pirates.
A U.S. Coast Guard Officer, who would like to remain anonymous, stated “We really need to contain and capture these pirates before it gets out of control. I mean, what if this spread into the Gulf of Mexico, and then the West Coast! We just don’t have the manpower to handle such a crisis if it expands to such a level. I mean, then who’s going to oversee the offshore observations during the next season’s filming of Baywatch?”
Comments