TOKYO, JAPAN – At an electronic gaming convention in Japan this week the next generation of video game consoles were on display giving the world glimpses into the future of video game playing. Most of the new features on all the consoles revolve around making the gaming experience more encompassing and easier on the player by including things such as feeding tubes and revolutionary waste disposal/power conversion system.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an effort to draw more tourists to the nation’s capitol, the Mayor of Washington, D.C., Anthony Williams, has announced plans to open an interactive museum devoted to the city’s most famous product, crack cocaine.

NEW YORK CITY, NY – Whether celebrities fly to Africa and Asia to get one or simply make one the old fashioned way, it’s clear that this fall’s hot, new fashion accessory is a baby. Babies are popping up all over the place in the arms of celebrities and socialites driving demand for babies and baby accessories through the roof.

Washington, DC – The Senate has passed President Bush’s new domestic spying legislation which will allow the National Security Agency more freedom in gathering information – specifically from women ages 18-25.

DALLAS, TX – A new product is about to hit the shelves that aims to not only clear confusion and suspicion but also serve a much needed service to men across the country. The device, the HomoDivider, will act as a beverage and snack holder while sitting between two men in public creating what the developers call a “barrier to protect the image of straight men everywhere.”

NEW YORK, NY – In a radical move to show the world that Americans will stand defiantly in the face of terrorism, plans were unveiled this month to change the Statue of Liberty to a more “aggressive and purely American” stance. The proposed change, among others, will remove the torch from the statues hand, replacing it with a handgun.

LOUISVILLE, KY – Addressing reporters and hundreds of fans, beloved cartoon actor and chicken rights spokescock Foghorn Leghorn announced today that he had contracted the deadly Avian Flu virus.

TOKYO, JAPAN – Sony is putting the final touches on a new device which may revolutionize dating all over the world. The small, hand-held device, tentatively called a “Bangulator,” operates similarly as a calculator and can determine the chances of a love connection between two people.

WACO, TX – A research group at Baylor University has discovered a life force that keeps human beings alive despite the lack of any value the person may contribute to society. This “Suck Force,” as the team refers to it, might be responsible for the continuing lives of such famously worthless humans as comedian Larry The Cable Guy, former singer Paula Abdul and Denver Broncos quarterback Jake Plummer.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Bush admitted in a press conference today that some of the intelligence received previous to the Iraq war was incorrect. The source of the problem, he said, could be traced back to a typo. Instead of “Iraq,” a key document should have read “Iran.”