WASHINGTON, D.C. – With less than a month left in his term as President of the United States, George W. Bush has admitted that he has “a severe case of senioritis.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – With the current economic crisis causing fears of a depression, Congress approved President Bush’s economic incentive plan that will allow American citizens the ability to print their own money.

SANTA FE, NM – Christians are flocking to Santa Fe, to see what some are saying is the image of Jesus Christ that has appeared in a painting of Jesus Christ.

KABOL, AFGHANASTAN – Those closest to him are reporting that Al-Qaeda founder Osama bin Laden may be retiring from terrorism at the end of the year. Over the past couple years, bin Laden has expressed growing interest in pursuing other hobbies and possibly opening his own coffee shop in the mountains of Pakistan.

CLEVELAND, OH – A local woman has told her co-workers that she understands, better than anyone else she knows, the current crisis in Kenya because her friend’s nanny is from South Africa.

WATSONS GLENN, VA – A Valentine’s Day gift given to Jessica Berg by her boyfriend Adam Benjamin has forced Berg to reevaluate the couple’s relationship. The gift, edible panties, is regarded by Berg as “fuckin’ bullshit.”

WASHINGTON, DC – With no clear front-runner for the Republican Presidential candidate, several GOP members have called a back-up plan into action and have reanimated former President Ronald Reagan.

CLEVELAND, OH – As forecloses continue to haunt the housing market, a sharp rise in cardboard box prices is making it even more difficult for families to find a place to call home.

SAN BERNIDINO, CA – The star of a popular viral video says that while he is happy with his recent success as an internet star, he would really like to turn his attention to directing.

AUSTIN, TX – Anticipating an emotionally difficult winter break, Brown University freshman Dylan Grayson is preparing a speech to let his parents know he’s gay. The Winter school break will be the first time Grayson has seen his parents since the school year started in August and according to Grayson, his parents are unaware of his homosexuality.