DES MOINES, IA – During a press conference given to the Sports Writers Guild of America, God announced the sports teams that he will be “pulling for” this year. The announcement came as a surprise to sportswriters all over the country, as previously, God’s dealings in the sports world were held secret until the championship game where he is thanked by the winning team.

UNION BEACH, NJ – A compact disc, compiled of various songs by Joshua Kilm, was given to his girlfriend Jessica Wills last Thursday. After sampling the CD Wills realized there was more to the song selection than Kilm had originally admitted.

LAKEWOOD, CA – While speaking with a small group of friends, Michael Berry revealed more about his masturbation habits than the rest of the group felt comfortable discussing. During the course of the exchange, Berry said he had masturbated 4 times already that day and would “Polish the ol’ helmet” at least once more before going to bed.

WASHINGTON D.C. – Beginning later this month, Americans will be singing a different tune. With new legislature proposed by President Bush, the current National Anthem is set to be replaced by a more patriotic and inspiring chant.

LOS ANGELES, CA – In perhaps the most ironic moment in recent history, the heavy-metal rock band Anthrax was diagnosed with the deadly virus Anthrax. The infection was discovered Thursday as all members of the band reported to St Williams Hospital in Irvine, CA.

NEW HAVEN, CT – In an unprecedented court case, Mitch Dennis, 18, has filed a lawsuit against Emily Daniels, 18, for false advertisement. The suit stems from an incident on August 30th when Daniels reportedly wore a T-shirt proclaiming herself as a “Hottie.” Dennis argues that Daniels is in fact not a “Hottie” but rather unattractive in whole, thereby misleading him.

WASHINGTON D.C. – The cast of popular MTV reality show “Real World: Washington D.C.” decided Thursday to again remove one of its members. The housemates have asked fellow member Pat Buchanan to leave the house on his own or he will be kicked out.

CASPER, WY – In a discovery that will undoubtedly set the anthropological world on its proverbial ear, researchers from the University of Wyoming have uncovered proof that English, particularly American English, has been the dominant language in most of the world, throughout history.

KETWORTH, PA – In what is being called the worst “Childhood” outbreak in United States’ history, children in Northeastern Pennsylvania are being round up by the thousands, slaughtered and tested for the debilitating disease.

STAMFORD, CT – For the first time in United States history, Presidential candidates will not only square off in a series of televised debates but also in the wrestling ring.