ORLANDO, FL – Although her family members and friends have tried to explain it, local Grandmother Helen LaFornte doesn’t understand “the Kony thing.”

DALLAS, TX – Bullies across the United States have banded together to call for an end to the call for the end of bullying.

WASHINGTON, DC – Earlier this week temporal scientists announced some good news and some bad news today regarding time travel.

WASHINGTON, DC – As the Republican Party struggles to identify a viable presidential candidate, party leaders have summoned the Council of Nine.

The Council of Nine, an ancient and powerful order of Republican leaders, will now convene to pick, or if need be, conjure, a new Presidential candidate.

“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” said Republican strategist Gabriel Henderson.

WASHINGTON, DC – Despite protests from the North Pole and Keep Christmas Free, Congress passed a set of new laws aimed at reducing Santa Claus’ role in Christmas.

Under the new laws, presents can no longer be delivered by chimney, reindeer can not fly within 300 miles of a major metropolitan area and if stopped by police, Santa Claus must provide documentation proving his legal authority to travel within the United States.

ATLANTA, GA – In the wake of a national shortage of turkeys, the FDA in conjunction with the American Farmers Association has released a list of turkey alternatives for the upcoming holiday season.

LOS ANGELES, CA – With Halloween right around the corner, costume shops all across the country are stocking up on what are anticipated to be this year’s most popular costumes.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Excitement is building as several new television shows are set to debut in the next several weeks as networks kick off their new fall schedule.

LEESBURG, VA – A local homeless man says that he has developed a plan for balancing the budget and addressing all of The United States of America’s current financial concerns.

MADISON, WI – The Wisconsin State Legislature has passed new laws that Governor Scott Walker says will “make the Wisconsin work force more attractive to companies.” The laws will allow companies to pay workers in credit, charge for the use of equipment, and allow companies to chain workers to workstations.

“We’ve ensured that every company will have employees that are… forced to work for them” said Senator Lena Taylor.