New Meat Alternative Turkeys Hitting the Shelves for Thanksgiving.
Published October 2024 0 Comments | Share:
DES MOINES, IA – Just in time for the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday, several new vegan turkey options have become available in grocery stores.
“The number of vegetarians and vegans out there is only increasing so it makes sense that new Thanksgiving turkey options are hitting the stores,” said USDA spokesperson, Sanda Ross. “I’m not a vegetarian though. Yuck. I eat meat. And I like it raw. You know what I mean? Yeah, you know what I mean. High five! But anyways, we all know that vegetables are gross but some people out there say they like them and are willing to pay insanely high prices to get vegetables that taste and look like meat, so companies are starting to capitalize on that.”
Impossible Foods, a meat alternative market leader, has released a full-size Impossible Turkey, complete with bones, that is made from “proteins and stuff”.
“We take proteins and we smash them down into a paste like substance and then we pump that into a 3-D printer and, bam, turkey,” said Impossible Foods Marketing Director, Tyrone Rand. “Now don’t worry about where we get the proteins, I can assure you that it has nothing to do with a new type of fungus that was discovered in the Amazon that may, or may not, be sentient. That’s crazy! Why would you even think that?”
A new company hoping to break into the meat alternative market, VeGlam Foods, has introduced a new turkey that is made from mulch.
“VeGlam knows that how something looks is far more important than how it tastes so to that end we made something that looks exactly like a turkey but is actually made from, like, leaves, and shit,” said VeGlam President, Jermaine Advocar. “Not really shit. I meant stuff we found in the yard like leaves and grass clumps after a mow, shit like that. But… I’m not going to go as far as to say there isn’t any shit in there. Just in case some Fed reads this and comes after us because someone somewhere finds a bit of dog shit in one of our turkeys. Our turkeys are at least 90% shit free. But also, processed meats like hot dogs and bologna have an acceptable level of rat feces, so I think we should be able to skate by saying that our ‘turkey’ has an acceptable about of shit in it. Anyways, what were we talking about?”
Not to be outdone by other vegan companies, meat giant Oscar Mayer is getting in to the meat alternative market this year with a new “Turkyish” product that uses “definitely not meat” to create a small turkey.
“(Oscar Mayer) definitely doesn’t use any meat in the new Turkeyish,” said Oscar Meyer CEO, Scott Golden. “TheTurkeyish is made from the same things as our hotdogs, which as we all know, is also not technically meat. Well, I mean, yes, there are rat hairs and teeth in our hot dogs and some people could say that that could technically be considered meat, but you know, there isn’t any actual meat meat in there.”
Vegans and vegetarians welcome the new turkey options but are hesitant to try them.
“I’ve been a vegan for the last several weeks and I can totally say that I’m hyped to have more options when I go to my families holiday dinners,” said Stephani Drayton, 20, from Kalamazoo, MI. “My mom just doesn’t understand that this is a personal choice for me. How can you eat anything with a face? I mean, just thinking about it makes me want to cry. But now she has other choices that don’t involve the ritualistic slaughter of a cute, furry friend. Of course, I know she’s going to ‘forget’ that I’m vegan now and will try to force me to eat regular turkey, but that’s just because she’s a bitch and has always tried to make me conform to popular standards.”
The new slate of turkey alternatives is available now in grocery stores across the country.
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