I’m here today to give you my picks for the best vacation spots here in the good ol’ US of A.

CANTON, OH – Several former NFL stars gathered during a press conference earlier this week to announce a new lawsuit against the NFL “because… um… the concussions… and…”

“Players in the NFL face a very real threat to their health due to the NFL’s policies and practices regarding player safety,” said former Dallas Cowboys star running back, Emmitt Smith. “Players who take numerous… um… hits… and… uh… yeah. We… um.”

LOUISVILLE, KY – Even though he barely understands the rules and has seen only parts of five different games, local man Fred Neal considers himself a soccer fan.

SEATTLE, WA – Local 17-year-old, Jakob Custors, is commemorating the 20th anniversary of Kurt Cobain’s suicide by writing a terrible song.

ATLANTA, GA – CNN has reluctantly switched their 24-hour news coverage away from the missing Malaysian Flight 370 to the developing story of a child who may or may not have lost his bicycle.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – With the filming set to begin in a few months, Disney has finally revealed the cast for the highly anticipated Star Wars Episode VII.

BOSTON, MA – The single scientist who does not agree with the theory of global warming has admitted the only reason for his dissenting opinion is because he is mad at someone.

MODESTO, CA – Over the past several weeks local Christian Jerome Hopkins has been aggressively wishing co-workers a “merry Christmas,” regardless of his coworkers’ actual religious beliefs.

LEXINGTON, SC – The people of Lexington were not surprised at all with the tragedy that occurred earlier this week. The tragic events, which left the nation stunned, had little impact on the residents of the community.

“Yeah, no, I wasn’t surprised by it at all, said Lexington resident Jasper Kneeper.

NEW YORK, NY – In order to expedite reporting in the internet age, the Associated Press has approved and released templates to be used for reoccurring stories.