HIGHLANDS RANCH, CO – For the fifth year in a row, Jim and Rhonda Barber compiled a list of New Year’s Resolutions which, despite the couple’s best efforts, will most likely not be kept. The ritual, performed December 31, has been carried out by the couple every year since their marriage in 1993 and no resolutions have ever lasted the entire year.

CONCORD, NH – In the wake of the Phish breakup, the Department of Welfare has declared a state of emergency to house and feed the thousands of Phish fans left to fend for themselves by the split.

It happens every year; summer. And we all know what summer brings, right. Well besides the sunburns, heat and unwanted pregnancies, summer is the key time of the year for movies. I, Beth, have vowed to see every movie this summer and with a little strength, I will prevail. While most of the movies set for release this summer look like shit, there are a few that I am totally excited about, and I hope that after reading this, you will all be as excited as I am.

FLAGSTAFF, AZ – With the opening of a new Barnes and Noble bookstore, a small group of area residents have come out to protest the amount of people protesting the corporation’s debut in the small mountain community.

MIAMI, FL – Backstreet Boys and N’SYNC manager Louis Pearlman announced his plans to travel to Cuba to “Discover the next Elian.”

WILMINGTON, WY – After years of searching and mass speculation centering around extraterrestrial visitors to earth, a race of alien beings has revealed themselves for the first time at the Wilmington Ramada Inn.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Studio executives from Warner Brothers Studios have announced they will adopt a new affirmative action policy on all projects in the future and those currently in production.

GNOME, AK – Shocking and disturbing news came out of the North Pole this week as a witness stepped forward and exposed the described “hell hole” that is Santa’s Workshop.

ANAHEIM, CA – Last week, Rabbi Jacob Silverman called for a national boycott of Universal Studios and its parent company, Seagram, because of the theme park’s recent addition of the new thrill ride, “Mr. Schindler’s Wild Ride.”

SEATTLE, WA – At a press conference earlier this week Bill Gates, founder of Microsoft and worlds most wealthy human, announced that he has acquired the publishing rights for the worlds all time best-selling book; the Bible.